A behavioural scientist once said to me something along the lines of this, but much more eloquently, “if people invite you in to hear what you have to say, but then talk over you or amongst themselves, and don’t acknowledge or even notice when you (purposely) move to the corner of the room, then they are no longer worth giving your time to”. It is a tactic to regain control but if people ignore you it signifies a lack of basic respect.
From the other angle, the other day I saw someone I knew and I hid, behind a tree. Yep, as a grown woman I hid. And yep, behind a tree. It was broad daylight. I felt like I was in a cartoon or a Ricky Gervais black comedy. I did feel quite bad, bad enough to fess up to someone else. I mean, how old am I? But in truth, it was not even a conscious move, it just happened. Instantly. My body made me do it. Instinct?
I recall conversations in college hallways amongst friends…’I ignored you because you ignored me.’ ‘No, you ignored me…’ ‘because you ignored me’… It’s got to start somewhere. Chicken and egg anyone? So what comes first, people ignoring us or us ignoring people?
Sunny construction site stripes seen whilst out running
Whilst out running yesterday my racing thoughts led me to believe that there could be four answers to this.
1. You choose one
2. You choose both
3. You choose neither
4. You ask a question.
I think number 4 kind of delays 1, 2 and 3, but the process serves a purpose, much stronger than picking an answer stupendously quickly as if you were on a quiz show with D-grade celebrities fighting for some airtime.
Only this week I was accused of throwing out the hard questions when a colleague stopped by my desk for a causal chat. She called me out on it, laughed, and then happily responded. I was also accused of this on a work trip overseas after hearing an inspirational speaker…I merely said “what will you change professionally and personally after hearing that?” (it was a pretty profound talk, thanks Oprah!)…”well that’s a bit personal” they said…although to me it was simply a relevant question at a relevant time. But what I didn’t consider was what might possibly be going on in their head. Perhaps it brought back memories of first date nerves, when you come out of a movie and the dreaded question comes flying your way before you have chance to get it out first…”so, what did you think?” – arghhh, remember that? What do you say? Will they still like you if you say x, y or z? Do you even know what you think yet? What if you disagree? Does that mean you are not compatible? OMG!!! To a teenager questions are almost always unwelcome. Cancel the wedding!! Of course this was just a work thing, but, perhaps they were still mulling, and here was me interrogating.
I do tend to jump in deep. I’m not afraid. So far I have gotten away with it. And to be honest, I often ask questions that I find out later are what other people are wondering. But to me it’s not actually about the answer, it’s about the people in that moment – the person answering, and me, the person asking. It’s merely a connection. An empathy. A curiosity. An honesty. A vulnerability. On both sides. Equality.
As a child I was scared to ask questions, thinking that I would be laughed at, or ridiculed for not knowing something. Now, some 20yrs later, I’m listening to my teacher’s advice to speak up. I’m making up for lost time.
Being an introvert, my questions often find themselves written. Carefully crafted to avoid misinterpretation without the aid of critical non-verbal cues. This week at work I received an email from a colleague which was the length of two pages from a book and just like a novel included a background story, emotions, future hope…and this was in response to a single sentence, a simple question…and at the end of her masterpiece she said “thanks for asking”. So there. Some people do appreciate it.
As humans, herd animals, there is nothing worse than being ignored. We don’t feel worthy or like we belong. I know it’s not always nice to be on the receiving end of a hard question, but I think it is better that than to be ignored.
Advice that I have given to my daughter, friends, colleagues, and even my mum over the years, is never be afraid to ask questions. They are super useful in moments of uncertainty, awkwardness, or when feeling shy. I know it is not new news, but the simple ways often get forgotten for something more trendy. I am also a fan of silence, that too is powerful, and can lead to a different type of connection (if you can sit together in a car in a comfortable silence for hours, then there may be hope after all for that person who didn’t like the movie that you loved!!) But I believe that questions truly show you care. That you want to care. It breaks the tension, fills the sometimes too-long silence, defers attention from you, and the answer can actually be quite interesting. But remember, the answer is just a bonus, it’s the asking that is the real reward.
So…back to the start of this rambling waffle, being ignored or doing the ignoring (with a tree prop or without), what is the answer, which one comes first? It’s actually not important. The answer is not important. It is the question, being aware, being in the moment and connecting with another. What do you think?
Love Stripes & Trees xxx
Stripes & Trees 