The last few weeks have frazzled me. As I pushed myself into exploring new frontiers in my working life, I had moments of clarity and moments of pride, balanced with moments of confusion and tears.
Here I am again, yes again, questioning myself and trying to work out who I am and how I can fit in. This corporate world is not really my natural world you see. Coming from a teacher and a nurse as parents, there is little, if any, understanding of what I do, so therefore I have to work through this maze myself. But perhaps I am asking the wrong question of myself, and it’s not about ‘how’ I fit in, which assumes I need to change myself in some way; but instead the question should be about ‘where’ I fit in, which assumes I am accepted, even wanted. How dreamy! Does that even happen?
Contemplating life over a coffee chat on a stripy stool certainly helps
As I try and find answers, by speaking probably too much to too many people…knowing deep down that I am actually the only one who can answer my own question…I find myself having some wonderful conversations with some amazing people (some of whom I have never met!) People really do love helping other people, they do. Plus I’m learning so much along the way which is part of the reason for change in the first place. I love learning.
Yet again however, I am reminded that nothing is really new…someone somewhere has been through it. I recall my mum once talking about student nurses sharing with the senior nurses some cheeky things that they had been up to, and she said ‘they think we’re so old and we’ve never done it before, when in fact we probably invented it! Been there, done that – many times over.’
The old sayings still ring true. As I sit here writing this I can hear my mum telling some nuggets over the years, to what were deaf ears at the time, but now I am finally listening – sorry mum, but thanks for being persistent!
⁃ if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all
⁃ be true to yourself, follow your heart
⁃ you can have it all, just not all at the same time
This week continued to throw me new information to process. Mostly sad and disappointing information which is harder to process. It’s always messier when emotions are involved. I changed my mind more times than I knew possible and I ended up surprised to be at the same spot I was at a few weeks ago, just now armed with more knowledge and passion and hope. And you know what, although it was incredibly confusing, this intense time needed to happen to help me make some decisions and work out where I can be me. In the end I chose. And through some tough conversations, I’ve realised that people do like me, value me, and they actually see me. Some may not, but some do. Yes they do. And they want to help. And they do.
Throughout these conversations I listened, I held my comments back until it was time. I didn’t need to pretend to these people, never have, I was just me, I was true. And I will go forth and get it all, just not all at once. Some parts I will do now, the rest can wait. I will come.
Don’t doubt yourself peeps, ever.
New chapters. New unknowns. With the same old me.
Love Stripes and Trees xxx
Stripes & Trees 