I am not a boy. I am not 7yrs old. I don’t drink sugary red juice. I don’t bounce off walls. I do have adhd though. Can you tell that from my silhouette?
I was only diagnosed 3 month ago, just 2 days before my 45th birthday. I had actually suspected it for the last 12 months though, following my 7yr old boy’s diagnosis. He doesn’t drink sugary red juice or bounce off walls either. Why this stereotype? Grrr.
‘Women with adhd’ is a becoming a bit of a ‘trend’ at the moment. That’s not really fair to say actually, it’s actually getting some attention (ha ha, good pun) which is great given that the whole reason why girls haven’t been diagnosed before is because they are inattentive – not making a big fuss about things, just trying to fit in, struggling inside and finding coping mechanisms, masking. I thought I was really organised, turns out I had to be to keep up! I have masked my whole life without even knowing it, by insanely over planning, over researching, over preparing, over analysing what I had done so that I could ‘do better next time’.
Adhd is not a trend, it’s also not over diagnosed and the sentiment of ‘we are all a little bit adhd’ is not true. Adhd is confusing and exhausting and annoying, both to the person with it, and to those that live with them. Everyday I am clumsy, forgetful, blunt, random, overwhelmed, overly sensitive about many many things (thank goodness for my solid rock husband).
Having the diagnosis has given me permission to really reflect on myself and past behaviours, relationships and choices. I thought most people felt the same way as me about things….things such as feeling overwhelmed in a busy cafe, unable to prioritise tasks, unable to organise without endless notebooks and pens and post it notes on post it notes in various colours and sizes (I do love stationery!), eyes hurting under florescent lights, being jumpy at any surprise noise or my husband merely entering a room :-), hating the sound of people eating, dealing with general life admin (surely everyone hates this one though!), stressing out about buying birthday and Christmas presents (soooooo much pressure!).
I just thought I was perhaps a bit more sensitive and introverted. And I am. But now knowing I have adhd as well explains sooooo much. Tbh, I feel a bit embarrassed about how I may have come across to people in the past. Sorry sorry sorry if you ever thought I was rude or weird towards you.
I’m not going to wallow in this, it is what it is, but in a nutshell, for so much of my life I have actually felt like I just don’t fit in despite trying my damned hardest to do so. I know I’m basically a square peg and I’m really ok with that. But I’m not ok with other people’s comments. I have a catalogue of comments spanning decades…”you are…” quirky, funny, a bit weird, different, frank, blunt, harsh, an over thinker, worry too much, stand-off ish, shy, overly sensitive, too emotional, unemotional, frazzled, too fast, too slow, detached, ‘not on the bus’…
Anyway, here I am after all these decades, still the same person, just a person armed with knowledge, and knowledge is power. (Talking of power, Adhd is not a superpower. I hate that concept. As I said it’s confusing and exhausting and annoying.)
Advocating for my little boy is far easier than advocating for myself. Children need someone to translate and help to elevate their voice, but for me I feel that I’ve come so far without knowing about my ADHD so what’s the point of declaring it? Well, the purpose of this blog has always been for me to try and clear my head, to get my thoughts unravelled, and provide food for thought to any readers. In writing this I questioned myself many times – ‘Should I write this down? Should I actually post it? Everyone has ‘something’ going on’. But one good thing about the diagnosis is a better understanding of rejection sensitivity disphoria, and these days with that knowledge, I am actually less bothered by what people think of me and I’m more bothered about how to do things more effectively. Don’t get me wrong, I still overthink my actions, I replay my actions/thoughts/comments over and over and over in my head. I cannot stop thinking. I just cannot. I think about thinking, and I think about thinking about thinking, and I think about how others don’t think about thinking about thinking. It’s soooooo boring. I’d much rather be doing something else.
Over the years in my many jobs, many many jobs (errr, hello adhd sign!), several bosses have complimented me on my integrity and authenticity. I remember saying back to one person, ‘well how can I not be?’ And does that mean that other people aren’t being authentic?’ I can’t be anything but me, I can’t lie. (However, talking about lying, I believe that I have lied to every single person in my life at some point. Little white lies as a way of coping (usually getting out of something social). Sorry! I had no idea what was going on but I guess I was just trying to cope.)
Anyway, blah blah blah. I don’t really know where I’m going with all this…and I’m a bit bored of writing it now…I can’t link it together in a good flow…I just want to send it out there and move on. So I will.
What I do know though is that I love stripes and trees though. Stripes for their linear loveliness, certainty, consistency, comfort. Something my mind does not naturally possess. And trees for strength, wisdom and continued growth, and hugs.
So that’s that. My silhouette secret. What’s yours? Sharing and talking helps. I’m here.
Love Stripes & Trees xxx
Stripes & Trees 