How I learnt acceptance from a Happy Meal

The order was 6 chicken nugget, no sauce, a yoghurt and a book.

We got 7 nuggets, sweet and sour sauce, no yoghurt and a plastic toy.

It might sound ridiculous but with a highly sensitive overthinking overanalysing brain, I recall many feelings that happened during the unboxing:

⁃ Frustration – how did they get that wrong? Isn’t that their job?

– Disappointment – it’s not what we paid for, but I just can’t be bothered complaining.

⁃ Guilt – another useless plastic toy for landfill 😦

⁃ Mum failure – the yoghurt was the only healthy part of that order.

⁃ Post-rationalisation – but it did save me time, the toy is cute, and yay for the extra nugget!

⁃ Happiness? No. I didn’t feel it.

This meal was not how I envisioned a ‘happy’ meal. These feelings sat swirling around in my mind for a few weeks and I didn’t know why, until I realised that this moment was trying to teach me something important – acceptance. Dealing with the feelings of wanting something specific but getting something else.

I used to want to have four children, a big wooden table where everyone would gather and eat hearty food, freshly baked bread, roast chicken, homemade lemonade…kids laughing, drawing, the sun streaming through the large french doors, a cat asleep on a natural stone tile heated by the afternoon sun. Erm, yep, pretty specific.

I never wanted to have a child with Adhd, anxiety and ASD. Well, I actually never thought about it to be honest. I never asked to have adhd and anxiety myself. In fact, I never knew I had them for over 40yrs of my life! My executive functioning is a bit flaky to say the least – I still burn toast, regularly, so it is no wonder that I don’t have four kids or a bread baking side hustle.

I often think about how life would be so much easier without these conditions though – more family outings, more friends, more rungs on the career ladder, more happiness. But would it? Wouldn’t there just be other challenges??? A different health condition…financial struggles…relationship struggles…unknown struggles. At least with these conditions there are some knowns, that being expect nothing but randomness!

Comparing this life to another life isn’t helpful, in fact it is a form of self-minimising (also unhelpful). So that will stop, but it is ok to say that something is hard for you, it is ok to say you wish things were different, it is ok to feel feelings. We are human beings after all.

So here I go:

⁃ Adhd is hard to live with whether you have it yourself or someone else close by has it. It is random and illogical and rather annoying.

⁃ When adhd spans the generations (as it does in most cases because it is highly genetic) you get double trouble! Double rejection sensitivity. Double impulsivity. Double disorganisation. Double sensory issues. Double headaches for the non-adhd partners/parents.

⁃ Adhd is not considered a disability in Australia but let me tell you, it really does cause multiple daily struggles – for the person with it, and those in the immediate circle. Multiple means multiple moments per hour, every hour, every day.

⁃ To this point, Adhd is constant, relentless, and often one step ahead of any new coping strategy. It learns fast and adapts. Exhausting.

⁃ Throw in the common co-morbidities to the mix and things get more spicy. With ASD now added, the label of disability is granted – the acknowledgment of the need for more formalised support and funding. This is bittersweet – I want this help for my family but I don’t want my family to need this help.

I will however be gracious and grateful for any help we can get. And I am grateful for having a husband, two children, lovely family far and close, friends who get me…freedom, choices, money, otherwise good health.

Dr Robin Barkley is a fine fella from all I have read and heard from him. He is pretty blunt (which I love) and he very VERY clearly states we need to accept what we have and let our expectations go. Suck it up basically!

Suck. It. Up. This is life.

So this is what we got.

◦ We got access to extra supports when ASD joined the party, i.e. extra nuggets.

◦ We got dealt with some medical conditions that we certainly didn’t choose, that we initially thought were worse than alternatives, however adjusting to these conditions has given us so much understanding about people, about behaviours, we have had immense personal growth, some really hilarious moments (that we so need) and made plenty of magic memories. This is akin to getting the toy we didn’t want but that we made up our own games with, one that we now keep in the toy box and will possibly pul it put in twenty years time and show the grandkids whilst relaying stories about the day that…

◦ We got given extra tantrums and meltdowns, extra parenting demands, extra parenting disagreements, extra sibling fights, but extra opportunities to connect as a family and work through things together i.e. the sweet and sour sauce we never asked for but that surprised us by marrying rather nicely with a cheese toasty.

◦ We didn’t get the yoghurt though…hmm, just got to accept this one I guess. I really wanted the kids to have the yoghurt. I’ll get over it. You win some you lose some.

I’ve probably lost you by now…but if you are still here, let’s revisit the list of feelings at the start of this waffle. I feel all the same feelings with regards to having adhd and ASD in our lives. I feel frustrated, disappointed, guilt, mum failure. And that is ok. It really is. This is acceptance. I’m not fighting it, I’m letting it in, and dealing. get, Dr Barkley, I made it, I get it now! IDr Barkley would be proud I hope.

So where to from here then? Well, I’m still learning. Learning to split the condition from the person, learning to not blame or shame, learning to be kinder to myself, learning to validate other people’s reactions (this is not just my life, we are all in this together). Don’t get me wrong, I still shout and swear too much and probably annoy people (along with myself), but instead of beating myself up about that I just go ‘that’s ok, it’s not always the ideal way to react but it is what it is, I am a human, I’m still learning’.

Happy Meals are not always the happy meals we hoped for but they are ok. No judgment please.

Life is not always the way we thought it would be but that is ok. We experience it with the people we are given, we nurture each other, and we feel a rainbow of emotions.

I think that happiness is yellow but a rainbow cannot exist without the other colours, the other feelings, nor the sun and rain. Rainbows are magic. Life is magic. I’m grateful for my lot.

Hope you enjoy the sun shower video and rainbow.

Love Stripes & Trees xxx