One day, when the timing was right, supporting structures formed and new growth burst out. I am a tree.
Just as my children have grown several centimetres in the last few months, I have grown too in my mind and in my heart.
I thought as a mum of a soon-to-be teenager that I was past significant growth and was at a stage of fine-tuning and practising my core beliefs, but recently I have surprised myself with what I have learnt.
1. reframing my fears
We got a dog, Biscuit. A dog I say. This is big news because I’ve walked around my WHOLE life saying ‘I’m a cat person’. Despite a few childhood memories of being scared by big woofy dogs, I do like some dogs so I could say I was a ‘certain dog person’, but never having had a dog I didn’t really understand them and I think subconsciously it was easier to say ‘I’m a cat person’ rather than ‘I’m a gentle, small or big, furry animal that sits on me, and one that I’m not jumpy around person’.
Biscuit is a therapy dog so his nature and nurture makes him inherently gentle – he curls up on my lap or by my feet, just like I have experienced with cats – he just doesn’t purr. I actually call him a cog (cat-dog in case you don’t get it). ‘I’m a cog person’ might be harder to explain though 😉
I hid behind a wall of cats for years, it was easier to protect and defend than risk trying something new. Having ‘are you scared of big dogs?’ in anxiety questionnaires was also perhaps self-fulfilling. Reframing the fear away from dogs showed me the power of the mind and how we can change our thinking and open doors to wonderful situations. Biscuit is wonderful.
2. acceptance that I have ADHD
Yes I am aware that I have adhd, yes I talk about it, yes I read all about it (all the *^*^ing time), but I didn’t truly and fully accept it until last month.
Acceptance of having adhd is complex (of course it is, adhd is!), but it’s not just about accepting the label or the explanation for weird life behaviours, the acceptance I’m talking about is holistic, practical and not what I ever envisioned for myself.
ADHD is a condition (disability in some countries) and although it is in me, it is so much more than me, it is something that I cannot control on my own, I need the help of others. Who wants to admit that they need the help of others in order to be themselves? Not me. Well not me in the past. But with acceptance I am ok to admit it. I have to admit it. I need people.
My acceptance came from talking with my psychologist and has led me to realise I need to allow other supports (medication, psychology, family, work) to fulfil their specific roles so that I can burst! I think when I got the diagnosis, followed by the meds and the psychologist, that I took my foot off the pedal and expected things to just get better for me. Perhaps I just needed a break from putting in ALL the effort myself via coping and masking strategies, and so once these supports came along I relied on these things only.
I know that I still have to put the work in to get organised and reduce overwhelm – pills and 50 min chats don’t magically make a pretty bullet journal. With acceptance of needing a wider network, I acknowledge that I am my own expert, my own advocate, I know what works and what doesn’t. I thought my old self was wrong, inefficient, too weird, but I realise that I don’t have to let go of pre-diagnosis me, I should continue to employ the strategies I’ve had my whole life, just in conjunction with the professionals.
I know the combination will enable me to be more efficient, but I also know I will never ever EVER be ‘normal’ or neurotypical, never. I will never fit in, or be able to do what others can do with ease, or be able to do some things at all. Last year I grieved my unmet potential, but now I’m happy with what I have done and what I can still do. Acceptance means that my goal is now realistic. I aim to be me.
3. I had growth (and more importantly others had growth) when I started to back off.
This came from realising that I am only one person for my children, that I am not their everything,
Just as I need multiple supports so do they. They have to work this life thing out for themselves. They have to make their own mistakes (or learnings as we call them).
I have been guilty of being a classic helicopter parent, because for some reason I didn’t want my kids to be like me, and if I could stop the milk being spilt I would – so I swooped in. But my desire to help them was potentially doing the opposite, it was suppressing their growth. Not anymore!
Lucky they are still young enough to adapt to their way of doing things but if I can adapt and grow at 46yrs old then they will be more than fine.
So, there you go, my mind is bigger and stronger than a few months ago; my heart too, for Biscuit and for my children’s futures. And it all happened because it just happened. It was timing. It was meant to be (I just needed some supports to help me realise it).
Green shoots forever!
Love Stripes and Trees xxx
Stripes & Trees 