Sometimes I laugh at these moments. But not today.
I went to make a green smoothie to take outside and relax under our huge tree. The kids had had a treat, hubby was away, and I wanted some me time.
However, when I went to the ninja in the pantry there was already a green smoothie sitting there. I have no idea when I put it there but I know that it’ll be at some point in the last 48hrs (since hubby went away).
I took a photo to send to a friend and say ‘classic adhd moment’ but I never got round to that message…because green-gate escalated.
The lid was stuck. It looked like it was off the treads a little – that was most likely my adhd self rushing to the put the lid on.
After much struggling, eventually the lid came free, and with huge force. The force of fermentation!
To make matters worse it exploded over the kitchen sink, the tap, the drainer, the items I had previously washed, the shelves I had wiped a few hours earlier, the bananas, the toaster, the wall, even reaching inside the pantry where it had first started to brew.
Far out! I actually had to clean the tap before I could use it to clean up everything.
Hubby would hate the mess I made, in fact I will change that to ‘hubby will hate’ because he will most likely read this. For years I used to make these life-mistakes and do my best to cover them up, or if I wasn’t quick enough or the outcome was obvious then I would end up being defensive and make excuses about my part in it.
But not now. I’m tired. So tired. On a daily basis I am mopping up my adhd mistakes. I feel so ashamed. I really do. And then I feel embarrassed for feeling ashamed about stupid moments.
Adhd is not an excuse, but it is an explanation. Green-gate happened for multiple reasons associated with adhd executive dysfunction:
- Object permanence – as soon as the pantry door was closed the smoothie was out of sight and therefore out of mind. I forget about it because I couldn’t see it.
- Short term memory – I also just simply forgot about it.
- Poor interception – I don’t feel the physical hunger pangs so didn’t realise I was still hungry so didn’t look for the food.
- Distractibility – something else must’ve taken my attention away from the smoothie for 48hrs.
- Hyperfocus – I have been in the pantry 27 times since I first put this in there but I never noticed it because I was so focused on another object.
- Trouble sticking to a routine – if I could stick to a routine of daily smoothies then I would’ve found it sooner – hubby would’ve found it at 7.30am on Saturday morning no doubt.
So no relaxing for me. Just cleaning. Initially cleaning to cover up my tracks, but then I decided ‘no more cover ups’ because it’s not sustainable, it’s too much work. I don’t want to feel shame so I am going to be honest. I want people to know the true me, so that I can be the true me, no more hiding, no more shame. I have adhd. I cannot help it. I am trying hard everyday to do simple things. It’s tiring. So tiring. Sometimes it is messy.
October is also adhd awareness month so there is no better time to share.
And finally, another example of adhd struggles and feeling shame. The other day I could not find my sunnies whilst I was driving. I looked in my bag, on the seat, in another bag, under the seat, in my pocket, in the console…they were nowhere to be seen. When I arrived home I picked up the sunglasses case that was next to my bag and there they were, safely and snuggly sitting inside the case. I purposely did not look in the case because I thought ‘there is no way they will be in the case, I never put things back where they live’. I doubt myself, I expect that my tracks are random and ‘not right’. Well, that one time I did the right thing, the typical thing, but I am not typical and therefore I more often than not do non-typical things. I accept this, hence looking everywhere but the right place, however I need to accept that whatever I do is ok.
Green-gate surprised me. I didn’t laugh, I didn’t cry, I felt shame and then I let it go. I shared a stupid story about a smoothie and took photos of its splatter. I hope you got something out of this random post…with no stripes.
Love Stripes and Trees xxx
Stripes & Trees 