Sometimes, well quite often actually, people with ADHD can be told or feel that they are not doing enough, not trying hard enough to do things the right way.
This collection of photos is a representation of ADHD achievement in its finest moment! Truly.
My 10yr old son always struggled with hanging a towel over a towel rail (horizontal bar). As parents we were certainly not aiming for Pinterest perfection, but we were aiming to encourage responsibility, hygiene, and tbh a reduction in the number of times we have to bend and pick things up – “Ooh, my back” anyone?
Hubby and I tried to tried to pass on tips i.e. changing your body position, using science / gravity, live demonstrations. Big sister modelled the hung towel most nights too. But guess who tried the hardest? Yep, my little one. He tried and tried and tried. But it was just too hard, almost impossible.
Imagine describing to someone all the steps involved in hanging a towel. It is actually quite complex, requiring both sides of the body working in synchronisation, adjusting, reacting quickly if starts to slip, eyeing up the level. Most towel rails are at a height for adults which also makes the job harder for a child with gross motor skill challenges. And since it is ADHD awareness month, let’s not forget the ‘forgotten symptom’ of RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria). Subconsciously my little one wanted to please us but felt shame when he let us down…so it was easier, and a protection mechanism, to surrender.
When a bathroom renovation sprung up, we took the opportunity to solve the problem and get vertical towel rails. “It’ll be easier for him” we said. We were wrong. Very wrong.
We hung these beauties (equal form and function) at adult height again, Ok, we weren’t thinking…classic renovation decision overwhelm…but he will grow 🙂 The impact of that 90 degree change in angle did not have an impact on the behaviour. My son tried and tried but the towel still ended up on the floor, again, and he gave up, again.
However, what happened then (probably after a few meltdowns from several household members) was a game changer:
we made a change to the request.
It was no longer “please can you hang your towel up and make sure it’s flat so it can dry properly”; it became “I dont care how the towel ends up as long as it isn’t on the floor”.
And every single night after I said this the towel was off the floor. Oh how an ADHDer loves a challenge!
I occasionally see my son throwing the towel up in the air, catching it, trying again, hoping for the edge to land on the bar…and not slip off. He is so determined. I hear the gentle cheers when he gets it, yesss, fist pump. But most often I miss these live moments of achievement – however when I see his towel ‘off the floor’, I am celebrating with him. I am instantly reminded of how much he tried, but also how much he is succeeding. Every day. It warms my heart.
We thought we needed to change the rail but that was not the problem…the problem was our measure of success. By changing our expectations and the instructions and the reason (some of it by chance) we have had:
– a full year of messy towel rail artwork
– slightly damp towels in the winter
– a patient big sister increasingly complaining when his towel ‘touches’ her towel
I’m so happy and proud and I believe that my little one is happy and proud with himself too. I’m sorry for the grief that the touching sibling towels cause but I think this will help big sister build tolerance for her future self (flatting, relationships etc). What an amazing achievement!
The stripes represent a different structure and simplicity for this blog post today, and for the towels off the floor all year. I’m forever grateful for what stripes teach me.
Happy ADHD month! Let’s raise awareness of real lived experiences.
Love Stripes & Trees xxx
Stripes & Trees 