I wanted 5.
5, because last week I got it.
I got 4.65.
4.65, because it is what it is.
But I’m not a robot and just because I got 5 last week, doesn’t mean I can get one this week. Oh if only life was linear.
The 4.65 is actually 93% of my OG goal, which is also an A grade (plus I worked out the % in my head so that’s bonus points surely 😉 ).
The interesting part of all this is that before I ran I programmed 4 into my running app. Why? Why not 5?
4, because I think I’m harbouring school playground germs. 🦠
Clever me, listening to my body! I still had to listen to my mind trying to make sense of it all though, intellectualising as usual, not simply feeling the feelings.
Here’s what I thought about when I was running 🤦♀️.
- By programming a4, it felt like I was admitting defeat before I even started. If only I could back in time and program a 5. However I knew it’d be a big challenge – better to get the disappointment upfront rather than later? Adjusting the goal to something achievable should have felt empowering, but I’m no goldfish, I still remembered the OG goal.
- I kept trying to work out how to carve out a few extra metres into the path. Of course I could’ve just kept running 🏃
- Whilst running I was also thinking about writing this post and how nice it would be to end of my run at the exact place where I took this photo weeks ago. I knew that would be hard to do; what if I reached the stripes before the 5, or maybe I’d have to go over 5 – which would be physically amazing, but mentally frustrating that I wasn’t on the dot.
In the end my thoughts were overlapping and getting in the way of my newly crafted running playlist so I said to myself ‘just keep going, go somewhere, see what happens’.
And I did. Mostly.
I tried. I tried really hard to not link random dots; or create meanings from random unassociated objects. It almost worked.
It is still a random association but it was not something that I had planned, it just happened.
How many things just need to happen, rather than be planned?
Upon reflection I think I was trying to be a stripe – perfection, control, repetition, beauty.
But I am not a stripe. Far from it:
I mess up, I have changing needs, I go off track at different paces in different directions, I am very/too expressive.
The more I think about it the more I realise that my love of stripes is potentially shifting. I’m getting annoyed with them. I’m definitely more tree at the moment. Muddy feet, seeking certain nutrients, being outdoors, having open arms for occasional visitors and certainly snapping if the weight becomes too much.
I I wanted 5.
I got 4.65.
I got 93%.
I got an A grade.
I learnt more from the missing 7% than the 93%.
At end of my run, I was elated when the last word of a song landed at the exact same time that I passed a post when returning from the breakwall – the post was hit in celebration as the dopamine hit.
Just keep going, go somewhere, see what happens.
Love Stripes and Trees xxx
Stripes & Trees 