It’s ADHD awareness month and I feel that I  have to say something about things can be for me – a full time working mum with ADHD and kids who are neurodivergent too. 

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Since being diagnosed at the ripe age of 45yrs, personally I am aware of ADHD every single day, multiple times a day, multiple times in one millisecond. Knowing the diagnosis helps explain the tiredness, the frazzled-ness, the quirkiness but it doesn’t also help with how to continue being this way. 

So much of current ADHD narrative is about the external impact, the memes are more than plentiful and often more than true too!  But to find out how to be, I don’t turn to memes, instead I turn inward – I listen to myself, share stories and advocate. 

With ADHD, most poor behaviour is not due to laziness, but instead due to overwhelm – externally and internally. Filters are non-existant and all stimuli is rapidly absorbed as ‘another clue to something’ – we are often at the ready without knowing what to be ready for. This is one of the many ironies of the condition. 

There are of course ways to help manage the challenges of ADHD, such as meds, movement, mindfulness, but despite striving for routines we push back against monotony, succumb to unpredictability which is then often followed by harsh self judgement. “Why can I just stick to something????”

ADHD is a lot – both to have and to live with  someone (or people) who have it. I know it’s just one of many challenging conditions, but for one month I think it’s ok to take the limelight, and attempt to share knowledge and foster greater understanding and supports. Some of the memes are really REALLY funny, but tbh it’s not always fun, a lot of the time it’s really REALLY rubbish.

Reflecting on October so far here is what I have observed about myself in relation to my work. 

Week 1: I went into the office 4 days out of 5, yes 4! I have the privilege of fantastic flexibility and only have to go in one day but for some reason I just wanted to be there. Why? I have no idea. But I listened to myself and I did what I need to do. 

• I needed to surround myself with people in my team, people on projects, people I haven’t seen for a while (connection), people I forgot existed (legit – poor working memory), people to soak up work energy from but purposefully ignore (body doubling at its best). I changed seats, floors, work areas, playlist genres (Japanese instrumental versus nirvana), headphones (over ear, in ear, Bluetooth, wired!), pens, pencils and notebooks (paper versus digital) depending on my task and what sensory needs I had from the environment.
• I had a really successful week. 

Week 2: I went into the office for 1 day. I just couldn’t face any more than that. Why? I have no idea. But, I listened to myself and I did what I needed to do.  

Here’s what happened – it’s random and delightful and confusing and… just so ADHD. 

• I interrupted work colleagues mid- sentence several times…I could feel the pressure building, I just had to get my point out or I would forget it (impulsivity)
• I had a sore knee (meniscus tear) and despite seeing a clock all day on my screen at work, seeing many time cues (people going for lunch, people leaving for the day) I forgot to take my pain meds (poor interoception)
• I got the same lunch as I always do because decisions are hard (executive dysfunction) 
• I realised how many facial expressions I pull ALL THE TIME (I had been video editing some interviews that I had conducted) and upon seeing my face for far too long I started to worry about what people must think of me (weird!?) and also if there was a medical condition for it (social anxiety plus hyperchondriac)
• I promised to send an important work document (one of too many things) but ran out of time (classic time blindness)
• A friend messaged about meeting up the next day and my heart sank…I had double booked but completely forgotten to cancel it…however as time passed by  I was actually now free again so I suddenly felt relieved and happy (what a classic executive functioning fail hidden in the luck that sometimes things just work out as they should) 
• Returning home I dropped a milkshake on the garden path due to carrying too many things and not being aware of myself in space – in comedic fashion I got my bag strap caught on the gate and got milkshake on my favourite work skirt as I bent down to pick it up (poor proprioception) 
• When I walked in the door my teenage daughter said “I missed you today” at pretty much the same time as my boss messaged me and called me “a good egg” (I think interest based hyperfocus was at play here, keeping me working beyond my time, but the employer gratitude certainly helped balance any ‘guilt of working during school hols’)
• I had a really successful week. 

So, there you go. Week 1 versus Week 2 of October. What will Week 3 bring? I’ll keep you posted if you like.

I hope my reflections have raised some awareness of ADHD…let me know what you learnt, or perhaps something you have observed. 

Sometimes, well quite often actually, people with ADHD can be told or feel that they are not doing enough, not trying hard enough to do things the right way.

This collection of photos is a representation of ADHD achievement in its finest moment! Truly.

My 10yr old son always struggled with hanging a towel over a towel rail (horizontal bar). As parents we were certainly not aiming for Pinterest perfection, but we were aiming to encourage responsibility, hygiene, and tbh a reduction in the number of times we have to bend and pick things up – “Ooh, my back” anyone? 

Hubby and I tried to tried to pass on tips i.e. changing your body position, using science / gravity, live demonstrations. Big sister modelled the hung towel most nights too. But guess who tried the hardest? Yep, my little one. He tried and tried and tried. But it was just too hard, almost impossible.

Imagine describing to someone all the steps involved in hanging a towel. It is actually quite complex, requiring both sides of the body working in synchronisation, adjusting, reacting quickly if starts to slip, eyeing up the level. Most towel rails are at a height for adults which also makes the job harder for a child with gross motor skill challenges. And since it is ADHD awareness month, let’s not forget the ‘forgotten symptom’ of RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria). Subconsciously my little one wanted to please us but felt shame when he let us down…so it was easier, and a protection mechanism, to surrender. 

When a bathroom renovation sprung up, we took the opportunity to solve the problem and get vertical towel rails. “It’ll be easier for him” we said. We were wrong. Very wrong.

We hung these beauties (equal form and function) at adult height again, Ok, we weren’t thinking…classic renovation decision overwhelm…but he will grow 🙂 The impact of that 90 degree change in angle did not have an impact on the behaviour. My son tried and tried but the towel still ended up on the floor, again, and he gave up, again.

However, what happened then (probably after a few meltdowns from several household members) was a game changer:

we made a change to the request.

It was no longer “please can you hang your towel up and make sure it’s flat so it can dry properly”; it became “I dont care how the towel ends up as long as it isn’t on the floor”.

And every single night after I said this the towel was off the floor. Oh how an ADHDer loves a challenge!

I occasionally see my son throwing the towel up in the air, catching it, trying again, hoping for the edge to land on the bar…and not slip off.  He is so determined. I hear the gentle cheers when he gets it, yesss, fist pump. But most often I miss these live moments of achievement – however when I see his towel ‘off the floor’, I am celebrating with him. I am instantly reminded of how much he tried, but also how much he is succeeding. Every day. It warms my heart. 

We thought we needed to change the rail but that was not the problem…the problem was our measure of success.  By changing our expectations and the instructions and the reason (some of it by chance) we have had:

– a full year of messy towel rail artwork

– slightly damp towels in the winter

– a patient big sister increasingly complaining when his towel ‘touches’ her towel

I’m so happy and proud and I believe that my little one is happy and proud with himself too. I’m sorry for the grief that the touching sibling towels cause but I think this will help big sister build tolerance for her future self (flatting, relationships etc). What an amazing achievement! 

The stripes represent a different structure and simplicity for this blog post today, and for the towels off the floor all year. I’m forever grateful for what stripes teach me.

Happy ADHD month! Let’s raise awareness of real lived experiences.

Love Stripes & Trees xxx