I could literally write for days and days about this. But just because I can, doesn’t mean I will – don’t worry, I won’t subject you to too much of my waffle! The volume of words I have is replicated in my brain as a swirly whirly mess of thoughts. We can, we can’t, we should, we shouldn’t. This isn’t even a double negative (which always tripped me up when I was little), but it’s advice without decision…you think you are getting some direction but really, you are no further along than at the start. You still have to decide what to do. Always. I know this, although I don’t always accept it…it’s hard work making decisions! But what’s confusing me about this statement is that sometimes we are encouraged or celebrated for pushing ourselves, and other times discouraged. So what is right?

This beautiful cacti in our neighbour’s garden recently took on a life of its own. Only last week were we admiring it and trying to work out what it was and how it has erupted so magnificently and boldly – a once in a lifetime event! Then the winds came and knocked it down onto powerlines. You can’t fight nature. This green giant ultimately got too big for its boots. ‘Don’t be a show off’ my mum used to say. She was right this time. Although we did enjoy the show!

Just because it could grow tall like a beanstalk, didn’t mean it should.

Chopped 😦

This last week I noticed a positivity quote, one of a million that fly my way, but instead of nodding in agreement inside my own head, for some reason I took more notice. ‘Be kind, not right’ – oh yes, yes please indeed.

Certainly from a parenting perspective this rings true. Having young children teaches me this, and I try and teach them this (‘just agree with your brother this time…’) although all too often we all veer off track and negotiations start and ultimately get us nowhere. I admit that sometimes I am not kind, mostly when I am trying to lecture my kids about something they really don’t understand yet, and then I get frustrated which leads to anger. I desperately need to drop that side of myself and let them figure out what’s right and wrong for themselves. I’ve always believed that you only truly learn from experience. Yet here I am trying to teach them what is right, protecting them by removing risk, but instead what I’m doing is depriving them of discovery. Wrong. And not kind. My role as mum is just to be there. This is so hard, harder than I ever imagined…especially when your child is absolutely fearless, as many are.

But just because I can share my advice, doesn’t mean I should.

Yesterday I forced myself to go out for a jog. ‘To the bridge and back’ I said. Then I got to the bridge and went ‘oh, might as well make it 5km’, and then I just kept going, and I stopped measuring. My body, mind and family all benefit from this selfish push. This is a moment that I should have done…and thankfully I did. But I really didn’t feel the running vibe yesterday, I had a few niggles in my back and I could hear my ex-nurse mum saying ‘look after yourself, it won’t hurt to miss one day, be kind of your body’. So she would be saying don’t go. But I did go and it was worth it. So how do we know when to do things, and when not to? How can I guide my children at the right time, and back off at others?

Perhaps it it not a black and white thing. Perhaps it is a feeling thing. Knowing ourselves and being true to that.

Feeling my way through a situation worked wonders last week. If I was still writing up my pros and cons list I’d be on my second notebook. Last week at work after a fairly tumultuous time, I found myself in what seemed like the eye of the storm. My head was again full of ‘maybes’ and ‘perhaps’ and ‘what if?’ and ‘how come me?’. And also singing loud in my head was ‘I can do this, maybe I should’. There is doubt there though – the ‘maybe’ was subconscious, but it was there. What was very conscious however were the thoughts of ‘if I don’t do this am I running away?’ and ‘why am I not strong enough, not resilient enough?’ But, what helped me decide my future, was feelings. Those moments when you feel that people get you, they truly know you, they can read you. I felt it in my tummy and my heart and a shooting star went up to my head – aha, I had worked it out! Not that it should matter what people think of us, but it sure can help when it’s positive. Selective attention? Perhaps yes, but I am well affected by the negative perceptions too (us empaths can’t really pick and choose). I actually felt quite proud of myself that certain people really did know me, and that told me that I am myself almost all of the time, without effort 😊.

So, having developed some fresh self-confidence, in that moment of calm when I had to make a pivotal decision, I knew what to do. Just because I can, doesn’t mean I should. Instead I chose to be kind, kind to myself. And that is right also.

Love Stripes and Trees xxx

The last few weeks have frazzled me. As I pushed myself into exploring new frontiers in my working life, I had moments of clarity and moments of pride, balanced with moments of confusion and tears.

Here I am again, yes again, questioning myself and trying to work out who I am and how I can fit in. This corporate world is not really my natural world you see. Coming from a teacher and a nurse as parents, there is little, if any, understanding of what I do, so therefore I have to work through this maze myself. But perhaps I am asking the wrong question of myself, and it’s not about ‘how’ I fit in, which assumes I need to change myself in some way; but instead the question should be about ‘where’ I fit in, which assumes I am accepted, even wanted. How dreamy! Does that even happen?

Contemplating life over a coffee chat on a stripy stool certainly helps

As I try and find answers, by speaking probably too much to too many people…knowing deep down that I am actually the only one who can answer my own question…I find myself having some wonderful conversations with some amazing people (some of whom I have never met!) People really do love helping other people, they do. Plus I’m learning so much along the way which is part of the reason for change in the first place. I love learning.

Yet again however, I am reminded that nothing is really new…someone somewhere has been through it. I recall my mum once talking about student nurses sharing with the senior nurses some cheeky things that they had been up to, and she said ‘they think we’re so old and we’ve never done it before, when in fact we probably invented it! Been there, done that – many times over.’

The old sayings still ring true. As I sit here writing this I can hear my mum telling some nuggets over the years, to what were deaf ears at the time, but now I am finally listening – sorry mum, but thanks for being persistent!

⁃ if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all

⁃ be true to yourself, follow your heart

⁃ you can have it all, just not all at the same time

This week continued to throw me new information to process. Mostly sad and disappointing information which is harder to process. It’s always messier when emotions are involved. I changed my mind more times than I knew possible and I ended up surprised to be at the same spot I was at a few weeks ago, just now armed with more knowledge and passion and hope. And you know what, although it was incredibly confusing, this intense time needed to happen to help me make some decisions and work out where I can be me. In the end I chose. And through some tough conversations, I’ve realised that people do like me, value me, and they actually see me. Some may not, but some do. Yes they do. And they want to help. And they do.

Throughout these conversations I listened, I held my comments back until it was time. I didn’t need to pretend to these people, never have, I was just me, I was true. And I will go forth and get it all, just not all at once. Some parts I will do now, the rest can wait. I will come.

Don’t doubt yourself peeps, ever.

New chapters. New unknowns. With the same old me.

Love Stripes and Trees xxx

This is not a tree. It’s a grass. Hmm, it seems that it shouldn’t be here in the realms of Stripes and Trees. However, whilst out jogging this afternoon, amongst millions of trees, when I saw these grasses standing tall at the waters edge, catching the afternoon sunlight, showing off their delicate beauty, I stopped. I was running quite fast so I had to turn and run back. I couldn’t get the the image of them out of my head. It had only been a few seconds, but I knew I had to go back and take a photo. In my head I was saying ‘it’s not trees, it’s not stripes…shall I bother?…it’s lovely anyway, go and appreciate it….oh well, I’ve stopped now…might as well…but it’s not trees…’ And actually, the photo is pretty rubbish. Doesn’t do it justice at all. I hate the random grass across the top right corner. I’m not going to photoshop though…no idea how anyway. It is what it is. But was it worth it? What was all that head chatter about? So much energy taken up in a split second for a disappointing photo. Why?

I think I know. It was to learn ‘good enough’.

Years ago I’d be worried that stopping whilst running would be bad for my time or pace. But these days, just being out and running is good enough. Oh yeah.

Most of the time I worry what people think. Not sure why, I just always have. It’s so annoying, so draining. The act of taking this photo was fine, no one needs to see it. It is the sharing that brings tension. Usually I wouldn’t post a disappointing photo. I’d be worried what people think. ‘She’s not very good…why did she put that up…oh my’. I’m normally lucky and just point and snap and get the shot – I do have an eye for composition (thanks dad!) But I’m not a photographer, so right now, this photo of the grasses is good enough.

This ‘good enough’ sentiment has been following me around for a few weeks, popping up at work, on social media, at home, even from my kids. It’s resonated each time, and so now I am acknowledging it.

Last week I made the kids dinner and afterwards I gave them a shop bought mini apple pie and ready made custard. My daughter said ‘thanks mum, that was the best’ after inhaling it, and I said ‘thanks, but I didn’t make it I bought it’ and she said, and I’m not kidding, she actually said ‘that’s ok mumma, that’s good enough’. Years ago I’d worry about not being able to make meals from scratch, but now as I juggle life’s balls daily, I’m ok to drop one, and be more resourceful and get help when needed (thanks pie makers and Dairys!) These days feeding the kids pudding at all, is good enough.

And as I lie next to my ‘finally sleeping’ son writing this, I reflect on today. We didn’t go to the cherry blossom festival as I had hoped we would do, but after a reassessment of challenges and needs (thanks hubby), instead we chose family time, house time, exercise time, kid time, park time. It wasn’t pink and gentle and serene, we had tears and tantrums, but we also had giggles, cuddles, cubbies, questions, sibling sharing, and Yorkshire puddings (shop bought too – don’t tell my dad!). We had the kind of Sunday reminiscent of my childhood. It was good enough.

Today was good enough. Tomorrow will be good enough. We are all good enough.

Love Stripes and Trees xxx