Sometimes, well quite often actually, people with ADHD can be told or feel that they are not doing enough, not trying hard enough to do things the right way.

This collection of photos is a representation of ADHD achievement in its finest moment! Truly.

My 10yr old son always struggled with hanging a towel over a towel rail (horizontal bar). As parents we were certainly not aiming for Pinterest perfection, but we were aiming to encourage responsibility, hygiene, and tbh a reduction in the number of times we have to bend and pick things up – “Ooh, my back” anyone? 

Hubby and I tried to tried to pass on tips i.e. changing your body position, using science / gravity, live demonstrations. Big sister modelled the hung towel most nights too. But guess who tried the hardest? Yep, my little one. He tried and tried and tried. But it was just too hard, almost impossible.

Imagine describing to someone all the steps involved in hanging a towel. It is actually quite complex, requiring both sides of the body working in synchronisation, adjusting, reacting quickly if starts to slip, eyeing up the level. Most towel rails are at a height for adults which also makes the job harder for a child with gross motor skill challenges. And since it is ADHD awareness month, let’s not forget the ‘forgotten symptom’ of RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria). Subconsciously my little one wanted to please us but felt shame when he let us down…so it was easier, and a protection mechanism, to surrender. 

When a bathroom renovation sprung up, we took the opportunity to solve the problem and get vertical towel rails. “It’ll be easier for him” we said. We were wrong. Very wrong.

We hung these beauties (equal form and function) at adult height again, Ok, we weren’t thinking…classic renovation decision overwhelm…but he will grow 🙂 The impact of that 90 degree change in angle did not have an impact on the behaviour. My son tried and tried but the towel still ended up on the floor, again, and he gave up, again.

However, what happened then (probably after a few meltdowns from several household members) was a game changer:

we made a change to the request.

It was no longer “please can you hang your towel up and make sure it’s flat so it can dry properly”; it became “I dont care how the towel ends up as long as it isn’t on the floor”.

And every single night after I said this the towel was off the floor. Oh how an ADHDer loves a challenge!

I occasionally see my son throwing the towel up in the air, catching it, trying again, hoping for the edge to land on the bar…and not slip off.  He is so determined. I hear the gentle cheers when he gets it, yesss, fist pump. But most often I miss these live moments of achievement – however when I see his towel ‘off the floor’, I am celebrating with him. I am instantly reminded of how much he tried, but also how much he is succeeding. Every day. It warms my heart. 

We thought we needed to change the rail but that was not the problem…the problem was our measure of success.  By changing our expectations and the instructions and the reason (some of it by chance) we have had:

– a full year of messy towel rail artwork

– slightly damp towels in the winter

– a patient big sister increasingly complaining when his towel ‘touches’ her towel

I’m so happy and proud and I believe that my little one is happy and proud with himself too. I’m sorry for the grief that the touching sibling towels cause but I think this will help big sister build tolerance for her future self (flatting, relationships etc). What an amazing achievement! 

The stripes represent a different structure and simplicity for this blog post today, and for the towels off the floor all year. I’m forever grateful for what stripes teach me.

Happy ADHD month! Let’s raise awareness of real lived experiences.

Love Stripes & Trees xxx

I left it to the very last day of this month to continue my goal of a monthly ocean dip. ‘Typical’ some might say. I am not often a complete-finisher type and my emphatic declarations often fade away into a forgotten silence. But the warm days of May whizzed past as the nights became cooler and the chance of achievement became slimmer. However, there’s nothing like a bit of time pressure for an ADHD-er! It had to be today.

These stripes on my swimmers start out strong, in line, equally spaced, and with linear determination. But when they meet hurdles (lumps and bumps) or zips, they lose their perfection. That’s ok, they are still motivated stripes.

Before I started my monthly dip goal last June, I had been reading about cold water therapy for years. There is definitely ‘a way to do it’, with cold exposure tips, breath work and very specific information about the timing of when it feels hardest/painful. I thought that these tips would help, however even though I usually believe that knowledge is power, sometimes the power can crush the motivation if these smaller warm-up goals cannot be achieved. For example, I cannot stand for 30secs under a cold shower, which is often the prescribed ‘exposure training’. If I had waited to achieve this first, I would still be in training and would never have achieved 11 months of dips. I know I’m not ice-bathing (yet), but an outside swim on the eve of winter is still not easy.

I’m not discrediting the experts, but sometimes I think we just have to listen to ourselves. For me, the start of something is always the biggest hurdle – well sometimes I leap right over, other times I tread carefully, or back away. Being motivated to do something that is not actually necessary or is a bit unpleasant is really really hard. Overthinking is my middle name and having too much information can quickly squash my motivation.

Last week my boy demonstrated his immense drive when he is motivated (and it was not even gaming related, therefore not a necessity 😉 ). Being unsure for a long time about catching the bus home from school, and a mere day after declaring he wouldn’t do so until next year, he suddenly had a burst of motivation to catch the bus. It just so happened to be on one of the wettest days of the year, hmm, not ideal, not ideal at all. The news about severe weather was everywhere, but this information had no place in his mind. He heard the grown ups’ concerns about about the potential soggy clothes, the potential late bus, the inevitable wet shoes, but his motivation was so strong that he didn’t even consider these uncomfortable outcomes. Hubby and I knew we had to keep him riding that wave of self-determination. The conditions were not perfect but he did it anyway.

Over the months I have gone from an impulsive fear fuelled dive bomb, that got me into water at a temp of 16degrees very fast, to a slow and steady thoughtful walk into 19degrees with full body awareness and some breathing. Not box breathing, triangle breathing, or 4-7-8 breathing as recommended…just breathing. I knew that I just had to get in there, today.

The conditions today were not perfect:

• It was breezy at the baths
• I have a sore knee
• I I didn’t want to get my hair wet today
• It’s winter-eve

Declaring to hubby as I left the warm house ‘it’s too easy for me to say things but not follow through. I need to do this’. And so I did. Again. This declaration did not fade. It was a wave of motivation that I didn’t want to fall off and my lovely family held me up! Hubby didn’t question me (or doubt me), my kids came along and encouraged me (in their jumpers and hats), and in I went in the water in May.

Love Stripes and Trees xxx

Sometimes I laugh at these moments. But not today.

I went to make a green smoothie to take outside and relax under our huge tree. The kids had had a treat, hubby was away, and I wanted some me time. 

However, when I went to the ninja in the pantry there was already a green smoothie sitting there. I have no idea when I put it there but I know that it’ll be at some point in the last 48hrs (since hubby went away).

I took a photo to send to a friend and say ‘classic adhd moment’ but I never got round to that message…because green-gate escalated. 

The lid was stuck. It looked like it was off the treads a little – that was most likely my adhd self rushing to the put the lid on.

After much struggling, eventually the lid came free, and with huge force. The force of fermentation! 

To make matters worse it exploded over the kitchen sink, the tap, the drainer, the items I had previously washed, the shelves I had wiped a few hours earlier, the bananas, the toaster, the wall, even reaching inside the pantry where it had first started to brew. 

Far out! I actually had to clean the tap before I could use it to clean up everything.  

Hubby would hate the mess I made, in fact I will change that to ‘hubby will hate’ because he will most likely read this. For years I used to make these life-mistakes and do my best to cover them up, or if I wasn’t quick enough or the outcome was obvious then I would end up being defensive and make excuses about my part in it.  

But not now. I’m tired. So tired. On a daily basis I am mopping up my adhd mistakes. I feel so ashamed. I really do. And then I feel embarrassed for feeling ashamed about stupid moments. 

Adhd is not an excuse, but it is an explanation. Green-gate happened for multiple reasons associated with adhd executive dysfunction:

• Object permanence – as soon as the pantry door was closed the smoothie was out of sight and therefore out of mind. I forget about it because I couldn’t see it.
• Short term memory – I also just simply forgot about it.
• Poor interception – I don’t feel the physical hunger pangs so didn’t realise I was still hungry so didn’t look for the food.
• Distractibility – something else must’ve taken my attention away from the smoothie for 48hrs.
• Hyperfocus – I have been in the pantry 27 times since I first put this in there but I never noticed it because I was so focused on another object.
• Trouble sticking to a routine – if I could stick to a routine of daily smoothies then I would’ve found it sooner – hubby would’ve found it at 7.30am on Saturday morning no doubt. 

So no relaxing for me. Just cleaning. Initially cleaning to cover up my tracks, but then I decided ‘no more cover ups’ because it’s not sustainable, it’s too much work. I don’t want to feel shame so I am going to be honest. I want people to know the true me, so that I can be the true me, no more hiding, no more shame. I have adhd. I cannot help it. I am trying hard everyday to do simple things. It’s tiring. So tiring. Sometimes it is messy. 

October is also adhd awareness month so there is no better time to share. 

And finally, another example of adhd struggles and feeling shame. The other day I could not find my sunnies whilst I was driving. I looked in my bag, on the seat, in another bag, under the seat, in my pocket, in the console…they were nowhere to be seen. When I arrived home I picked up the sunglasses case that was next to my bag and there they were, safely and snuggly sitting inside the case. I purposely did not look in the case because I thought ‘there is no way they will be in the case, I never put things back where they live’. I doubt myself, I expect that my tracks are random and ‘not right’. Well, that one time I did the right thing, the typical thing, but I am not typical and therefore I more often than not do non-typical things.  I accept this, hence looking everywhere but the right place, however I need to accept that whatever I do is ok.

Green-gate surprised me. I didn’t laugh, I didn’t cry, I felt shame and then I let it go. I shared a stupid story about a smoothie and took photos of its splatter. I hope you got something out of this random post…with no stripes.

Love Stripes and Trees xxx