Last weekend a lovely friend invited me to see West Side Story on Sydney Harbour. “Yes purlease” I said in an instant. It’s my mum’s favourite movie (along with Seven Brides for Seven Brothers) and I have seen it a million trillion times. The clicking fingers, the grimy graffitied streets, the music, the love, the end – I always cry.

As I sat there 5 minutes from the last scene, I began to get anxious and thought ‘please don’t let this happen…please don’t be true’. And as I heard my own thoughts, I had a memory of my sister’s text from a few weeks back ‘I just wish it wasn’t true’. That was in response to something very sad also. More so because it was real, not a story. Oh to have the power to rewind.

This week as I wrote to another friend in a difficult situation I could hear my heart heavily sighing ‘I wish this wasn’t true’.

But unfortunately we cannot rewind, all these things are happening and I will probably spend more of my life saying those words. So what to do? How to cope? I think we can only press play. We just have to carry on, and be carried on by friends and family who love us. Of course the motion will not always be forward, especially at first, and there may be some detours along the way, but eventually forward it will be, with determination.

Be kind, be honest, be authentic. Let people in. Be vulnerable.

My 8yr old daughter helped clarify my thinking this week. After a morning of vomiting I said to her “I wish it was me and not you” and she said “I wish it was no-one”, and then we just sat there and hugged.

I send hugs to all my friends and family (and even strangers) who are struggling right now.

Love Stripes and Trees xxx

I love seeing trees in the wild, with grass and weeds tickling their ankles. Imagining their roots spread wide and deep, and worms and moles underground doing their jobs as the tree stands tall and protects them all. Reminiscent of my childhood in English country gardens…sounds idyllic but in reality it’s not always like that. Recently when my kids were playing under a tree, a dog came along and watered their fairy garden. Hmm.

I also love seeing squares or circles (or indeed any other geometric shape) in parks or urban environments surrounding a tree so purposefully. Again, I picture the ideals seen in a coffee table book, but most often the reality is ruined by litter or messy mushy squashed berries.

Of course I’d rather see the tree free, but it’s better than seeing no tree and just a flat grey pavement. Who gets pleasure seeing a flat grey pavement? (Maybe skateboarders on a mission…another post perhaps).

As a child whenever I drew a picture, out came the 30cm ruler and on went a border. Around pictures of houses, farms, space. Border around pictures of trees in fact. I wanted to protect the image, ‘keep the baddies out’. That’s what I actually thought. I used to underline titles with not just one line, or a double line, but four. Yes four! Usually in the order red, yellow, green, blue. Rules. Can’t mess with them. Or so I thought!

Here’s a photo of a poem book I made in the 80’s…

The shapes around the trees are doing the same job as my borders. Defining the boundaries, protection of territory, providing clarity of the rules of engagement. It’s not really them and us. Trees versus people. It’s you and me. Trees and people. Together. Collaboration. Respect.

As I was out running today, I went past an area of the river bank that had been cordoned off. The sign was perfect. Council did good for once!

Let’s work together. I love you trees.

Stripes and trees xxx

Concert stripes

When I was 4 years old I held my first public concert. The stage was the bank, the audience was people queuing (who had no real choice), and the main song, the only song, was Lavender’s Blue – “dilly dilly”. I do not remember this moment, but oh how I wish I did. I’d love to bottle those potent feelings of passion, courage, determination and achievement, yet instead I took the story from my mum and bottled it in my own bank, my memory bank. It may be a little warped but this story has given me power and strength over time. “If I could do that when I was 4 I can do anything now…that is the real me, that’s what is inside.” Ultimately “I will be me and will not be scared”.

Knowledge is power.

These days I sing in the supermarket. Marrickville Metro Woolies has a great pop playlist – a smorgasbord of Rick Astley, Belinda Carlisle, Maroon 5. I sing out loud, I don’t care, it makes me happy. Really happy. Subconsciously, it probably takes me back to the bank when social norms had yet to take hold on my vocal chords.

My eldest sister first introduced me to the phrase ‘knowledge is power’ when she sent a card to me as I embarked on new adventure at university. I displayed the card proudly, centre stage on my huge pin board. There it sat for one whole year watching as I morphed into the new adult me. I looked back at it regularly, absorbing her advice, copying her handwriting (that z!), and communicating to new faces that I had a really cool wise older sister (one of two actually – how lucky am I?) I kept that card for decades. It really resonated with me. Still does. Ta sis!

Another poignant memory I have of singing, is when I was informed, along with fits of giggles, that the fly from the song which goes ‘shoo fly don’t bother me’ was not actually a ‘shoe fly’ – I mean what even is a shoe fly? What was I thinking? I think I was a teenager when this devastating news hit me. In my mind I had vividly imagined a little buzzing fella hanging around a smelly shoe. Oh the curse of the English language and learning by phonetics.

Knowledge is power. I was brought down that day.

But these days I am back up! I have the knowledge. Recently I saw a band play live and it was truly amazing when so many puzzle pieces slotted into place in my mind over the two hour set. What made the concert so much more poignant for me was that a few hours before the first stage fx went boom!, I had the pleasure of hearing the main singer talking about the band’s experiences and some of the stories behind the songs. No mention of a bank, but there were mentions of passion, courage, determination and achievement. Being yourself!!! The relevance of these messages was so powerful, the timing was perfect, I felt truly privileged and my eyes, and ears, are now fully receptive.

Admittedly I felt a bit guilty not finding out the meanings behind the songs prior to the gig, I felt a bit selfish and childish just enjoying the melodies and going ‘I love this song! This is my song!’ That’s so lame. Sorry musicians and songwriters. It doesn’t happen all the time but I have been known to love the melody of a good chorus or a clever rhyme, without looking deeper. But now I have the knowledge.

I have more knowledge than yesterday.

I have more power than yesterday.

Knowledge is power.

Stripes and leaves xxx

Light stripes