I wanted 5.

5, because last week I got it.

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I got 4.65.

4.65, because it is what it is. 

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But I’m not a robot and just because I got 5 last week, doesn’t mean I can get one this week. Oh if only life was linear.

The 4.65 is actually 93% of my OG goal, which is also an A grade (plus I worked out the % in my head so that’s bonus points surely 😉 ). 

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The interesting part of all this is that before I ran I programmed 4 into my running app. Why? Why not 5?

4, because I think I’m harbouring school playground germs. 🦠 

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Clever me, listening to my body! I still had to listen to my mind trying to make sense of it all though, intellectualising as usual, not simply feeling the feelings.

Here’s what I thought about when I was running 🤦‍♀️. 

• By programming a4, it felt like I was admitting defeat before I even started. If only I could back in time and program a 5. However I knew it’d be a big challenge – better to get the disappointment upfront rather than later? Adjusting the goal to something achievable should have felt empowering, but I’m no goldfish, I still remembered the OG goal.

• I kept trying to work out how to carve out a few extra metres into the path. Of course I could’ve just kept running 🏃 

• Whilst running I was also thinking about writing this post and how nice it would be to end of my run at the exact place where I took this photo weeks ago. I knew that would be hard to do; what if I reached the stripes before the 5, or maybe I’d have to go over 5 – which would be physically amazing, but mentally frustrating that I wasn’t on the dot.

In the end my thoughts were overlapping and getting in the way of my newly crafted running playlist so I said to myself ‘just keep going, go somewhere, see what happens’. 

And I did.  Mostly. 

I tried. I tried really hard to not link random dots; or create meanings from random unassociated objects. It almost worked. 

It is still a random association but it was not something that I had planned, it just happened.

How many things just need to happen, rather than be planned? 

Upon reflection I think I was trying to be a stripe – perfection, control, repetition, beauty. 

But I am not a stripe. Far from it:

I mess up, I have changing needs, I go off track at different paces in different directions, I am very/too expressive.

The more I think about it the more I realise that my love of stripes is  potentially shifting. I’m getting annoyed with them. I’m definitely more tree at the moment. Muddy feet, seeking certain nutrients, being outdoors, having open arms for occasional visitors and certainly snapping if the weight becomes too much. 

I I wanted 5.

I got 4.65.

I got 93%.

I got an A grade.

I learnt more from the missing 7% than the 93%.

At end of my run, I was elated when the last word of a song landed at the exact same time that I passed a post when returning from the breakwall – the post was hit in celebration as the dopamine hit. 

Just keep going, go somewhere, see what happens.

Love Stripes and Trees xxx

It’s ADHD awareness month and I feel that I  have to say something about things can be for me – a full time working mum with ADHD and kids who are neurodivergent too. 

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Since being diagnosed at the ripe age of 45yrs, personally I am aware of ADHD every single day, multiple times a day, multiple times in one millisecond. Knowing the diagnosis helps explain the tiredness, the frazzled-ness, the quirkiness but it doesn’t also help with how to continue being this way. 

So much of current ADHD narrative is about the external impact, the memes are more than plentiful and often more than true too!  But to find out how to be, I don’t turn to memes, instead I turn inward – I listen to myself, share stories and advocate. 

With ADHD, most poor behaviour is not due to laziness, but instead due to overwhelm – externally and internally. Filters are non-existant and all stimuli is rapidly absorbed as ‘another clue to something’ – we are often at the ready without knowing what to be ready for. This is one of the many ironies of the condition. 

There are of course ways to help manage the challenges of ADHD, such as meds, movement, mindfulness, but despite striving for routines we push back against monotony, succumb to unpredictability which is then often followed by harsh self judgement. “Why can I just stick to something????”

ADHD is a lot – both to have and to live with  someone (or people) who have it. I know it’s just one of many challenging conditions, but for one month I think it’s ok to take the limelight, and attempt to share knowledge and foster greater understanding and supports. Some of the memes are really REALLY funny, but tbh it’s not always fun, a lot of the time it’s really REALLY rubbish.

Reflecting on October so far here is what I have observed about myself in relation to my work. 

Week 1: I went into the office 4 days out of 5, yes 4! I have the privilege of fantastic flexibility and only have to go in one day but for some reason I just wanted to be there. Why? I have no idea. But I listened to myself and I did what I need to do. 

• I needed to surround myself with people in my team, people on projects, people I haven’t seen for a while (connection), people I forgot existed (legit – poor working memory), people to soak up work energy from but purposefully ignore (body doubling at its best). I changed seats, floors, work areas, playlist genres (Japanese instrumental versus nirvana), headphones (over ear, in ear, Bluetooth, wired!), pens, pencils and notebooks (paper versus digital) depending on my task and what sensory needs I had from the environment.
• I had a really successful week. 

Week 2: I went into the office for 1 day. I just couldn’t face any more than that. Why? I have no idea. But, I listened to myself and I did what I needed to do.  

Here’s what happened – it’s random and delightful and confusing and… just so ADHD. 

• I interrupted work colleagues mid- sentence several times…I could feel the pressure building, I just had to get my point out or I would forget it (impulsivity)
• I had a sore knee (meniscus tear) and despite seeing a clock all day on my screen at work, seeing many time cues (people going for lunch, people leaving for the day) I forgot to take my pain meds (poor interoception)
• I got the same lunch as I always do because decisions are hard (executive dysfunction) 
• I realised how many facial expressions I pull ALL THE TIME (I had been video editing some interviews that I had conducted) and upon seeing my face for far too long I started to worry about what people must think of me (weird!?) and also if there was a medical condition for it (social anxiety plus hyperchondriac)
• I promised to send an important work document (one of too many things) but ran out of time (classic time blindness)
• A friend messaged about meeting up the next day and my heart sank…I had double booked but completely forgotten to cancel it…however as time passed by  I was actually now free again so I suddenly felt relieved and happy (what a classic executive functioning fail hidden in the luck that sometimes things just work out as they should) 
• Returning home I dropped a milkshake on the garden path due to carrying too many things and not being aware of myself in space – in comedic fashion I got my bag strap caught on the gate and got milkshake on my favourite work skirt as I bent down to pick it up (poor proprioception) 
• When I walked in the door my teenage daughter said “I missed you today” at pretty much the same time as my boss messaged me and called me “a good egg” (I think interest based hyperfocus was at play here, keeping me working beyond my time, but the employer gratitude certainly helped balance any ‘guilt of working during school hols’)
• I had a really successful week. 

So, there you go. Week 1 versus Week 2 of October. What will Week 3 bring? I’ll keep you posted if you like.

I hope my reflections have raised some awareness of ADHD…let me know what you learnt, or perhaps something you have observed.