A behavioural scientist once said to me something along the lines of this, but much more eloquently, “if people invite you in to hear what you have to say, but then talk over you or amongst themselves, and don’t acknowledge or even notice when you (purposely) move to the corner of the room, then they are no longer worth giving your time to”. It is a tactic to regain control but if people ignore you it signifies a lack of basic respect.

From the other angle, the other day I saw someone I knew and I hid, behind a tree. Yep, as a grown woman I hid. And yep, behind a tree. It was broad daylight. I felt like I was in a cartoon or a Ricky Gervais black comedy. I did feel quite bad, bad enough to fess up to someone else. I mean, how old am I? But in truth, it was not even a conscious move, it just happened. Instantly. My body made me do it. Instinct?

I recall conversations in college hallways amongst friends…’I ignored you because you ignored me.’ ‘No, you ignored me…’ ‘because you ignored me’… It’s got to start somewhere. Chicken and egg anyone? So what comes first, people ignoring us or us ignoring people?

Sunny construction site stripes seen whilst out running

Whilst out running yesterday my racing thoughts led me to believe that there could be four answers to this.

1. You choose one

2. You choose both

3. You choose neither

4. You ask a question.

I think number 4 kind of delays 1, 2 and 3, but the process serves a purpose, much stronger than picking an answer stupendously quickly as if you were on a quiz show with D-grade celebrities fighting for some airtime.

Only this week I was accused of throwing out the hard questions when a colleague stopped by my desk for a causal chat. She called me out on it, laughed, and then happily responded. I was also accused of this on a work trip overseas after hearing an inspirational speaker…I merely said “what will you change professionally and personally after hearing that?” (it was a pretty profound talk, thanks Oprah!)…”well that’s a bit personal” they said…although to me it was simply a relevant question at a relevant time. But what I didn’t consider was what might possibly be going on in their head. Perhaps it brought back memories of first date nerves, when you come out of a movie and the dreaded question comes flying your way before you have chance to get it out first…”so, what did you think?” – arghhh, remember that? What do you say? Will they still like you if you say x, y or z? Do you even know what you think yet? What if you disagree? Does that mean you are not compatible? OMG!!! To a teenager questions are almost always unwelcome. Cancel the wedding!! Of course this was just a work thing, but, perhaps they were still mulling, and here was me interrogating.

I do tend to jump in deep. I’m not afraid. So far I have gotten away with it. And to be honest, I often ask questions that I find out later are what other people are wondering. But to me it’s not actually about the answer, it’s about the people in that moment – the person answering, and me, the person asking. It’s merely a connection. An empathy. A curiosity. An honesty. A vulnerability. On both sides. Equality.

As a child I was scared to ask questions, thinking that I would be laughed at, or ridiculed for not knowing something. Now, some 20yrs later, I’m listening to my teacher’s advice to speak up. I’m making up for lost time.

Being an introvert, my questions often find themselves written. Carefully crafted to avoid misinterpretation without the aid of critical non-verbal cues. This week at work I received an email from a colleague which was the length of two pages from a book and just like a novel included a background story, emotions, future hope…and this was in response to a single sentence, a simple question…and at the end of her masterpiece she said “thanks for asking”. So there. Some people do appreciate it.

As humans, herd animals, there is nothing worse than being ignored. We don’t feel worthy or like we belong. I know it’s not always nice to be on the receiving end of a hard question, but I think it is better that than to be ignored.

Advice that I have given to my daughter, friends, colleagues, and even my mum over the years, is never be afraid to ask questions. They are super useful in moments of uncertainty, awkwardness, or when feeling shy. I know it is not new news, but the simple ways often get forgotten for something more trendy. I am also a fan of silence, that too is powerful, and can lead to a different type of connection (if you can sit together in a car in a comfortable silence for hours, then there may be hope after all for that person who didn’t like the movie that you loved!!) But I believe that questions truly show you care. That you want to care. It breaks the tension, fills the sometimes too-long silence, defers attention from you, and the answer can actually be quite interesting. But remember, the answer is just a bonus, it’s the asking that is the real reward.

So…back to the start of this rambling waffle, being ignored or doing the ignoring (with a tree prop or without), what is the answer, which one comes first? It’s actually not important. The answer is not important. It is the question, being aware, being in the moment and connecting with another. What do you think?

Love Stripes & Trees xxx

Banksia trees remind me of my mum who thought the flower ‘cones’ looked like hairbrushes.

It’s Mother’s Day here in Australia, and some other countries around the world…but not where my mum is some 16,934km away.

Since I became a mum I cannot believe that I chose to leave such an important person. But being 27yrs old at the time I was in a different life stage. I was in the ‘me’ stage. I do often wonder how she must’ve felt when I announced very casually that I was moving to the other side of the world. Obviously I didn’t realise the massiveness of the news, because I told her whilst we were doing a weekend top-up shop in Asda, of all places. (That place has been witness to many of my life’s poignant moments – and it’s a running joke that Asda is always visited within the first 24hrs of me visiting.)

I also can’t believe that my mum let me go. So easily. But that’s what good mums/ parents do isn’t it? You raise your young to become strong and independent and let them fly the nest. As my children age, and my parents too, I regularly wonder if I could do the same with my daughter. Could I be so calm if she decided to move 16,934km away? Or even half that distance. I’d like to think I could, but I know that it would be so much harder than I can imagine. From memory my mum just gently and effortlessly let me go and then supported and encouraged my decision to stay away. I used to feel guilty being so far away, but with her honesty and encouragement, I don’t. Thanks mum.

Unfortunately I think I passed my helicopter parent license several years ago, whereas I’d much rather be piloting a glider. Soaring effortlessly and enjoying the view, not waiting in the wings on high alert and then zooming in and taking over. There are certainly no rotors on my mum. There never was. I think that’s why I am independent, thanks to her. She gave me this great gift of being. I hope I can pass on that gift to my children.

She also gave me other gifts, mostly walking advice. Of which she is very good at – never having learnt to drive.

⁃ Don’t walk with your arms crossed – you look slovenly

⁃ Don’t walk with your hands in your pockets because you won’t be able to stop yourself falling

⁃ Stand up straight – walk tall, shoulders back, head high

⁃ Pick your feet up, don’t drag them

She sounds like a stern headmistress of a finishing school, but she wasn’t, she was simply arming me with physical cues to reflect who I am inside. Who she enabled me to be. And I listened, eventually.

Miss you mum.

Love Stripes & Trees xxx

The title is positive, and we’ll get there, but firstly I need a whinge, just a mini one. I don’t want to be a hypocrite and break house rule number 3 (‘no whinging’), because I have been banging on about rule number bloody 3 with my kids all week…all year…but, last week was a challenge for me, I was overwhelmed and exhausted and I just needed to go “blauergrhisugh?!?&?!?!!” (That’s not whinging is it?)

Break free, be you – twirly stripes amongst straight ones

The introvert inside me was curled up in ball on a big soft sofa wearing pjs at 3pm, but the small part of me that is an extrovert was shouting “whoop whoop” from the rooftops through a megaphone and wearing sparkly stiletto heels!

What happened? And where is this story going?

Well, I challenged myself, worked through it and good things started to happen. Thanks to nice people. It all sounds a bit cryptic, but it’s really not. I just pushed myself, used all my energy, faced some challenges, pushed harder, and now as the frazzled-ness has dissipated, I’m reflecting. And the conclusion slide in my head is that I couldn’t have done it without nice people. And my recommendation is to try it yourself.

So what did I even do??? Basically, for once in my life, I listened to my true inner self, I worked out what to say before I said it, and then I calmly verbalised it – it’s a big deal because I’m often accused of speaking too soon, or with too much much emotion. Anyway, the result was that (without sounding spiritual) I sent some energy into the world, and as the law of physics states, the energy came back. And along the way I re-discovered something that I tell my friends and my kids when they are hurt…that most people are nice! Simples. People are just like you and I, people are nice. (Yep, I’m complimenting myself, but also you!)

I was more than satisfied with this calm positive conversation, it took some effort, but I was happy with the outcome. But then along came a boat. A boat that I really didn’t want to be on. The fear of being trapped on the boat, seeing land but not being able to walk on it, the fear of talking to strangers, making small talk, having to be switched on – these things started to override the potential visual glimpses of Sydney Harbour beauty, the nice catch ups, the relaxed drinks. But I pushed myself, I got on that boat with 1 minute to spare, after declaring hours earlier (and on the hour every hour like a crazy cuckoo), that I would not be getting on the boat.

Palm trees enjoying the harbour, from the land

There was an element of FOMO (still rife even though I’m 41!), but I think I subconsciously did it because it was an opportunity that I’d never have again – I don’t mean the boat, nor the harbour views, I’m referring to the people. The opportunity of having good people in close proximity – trapped – ha ha! How ironic! On the boat, I had a few knowing looks, “oh, I see you are on the boat! I knew you would” – those type of looks, but they came with understanding, from nice people.

So once the boat hurdle was mastered, the thinking/talking communication style that I’d started earlier in the week continued – and it was working. The neurons in my brain were super happy, they’d been treated to a new experience and developed new relationships. And then throughout the week more and more good things started to happen, I developed new relationships with things, and with people.

Whilst running, literally three cars stopped and gave me the right of path. How lovely is that? Despite a high proportion of runners in Sydney, it really doesn’t happen very often as people race about their days and don’t put themselves in other people’s shoes. I felt each time that the driver really understood what I as a runner must’ve been going through – do not stop…or you may not start again!

Multiple multi-directional stripes on my running route

At the weekend a good friend, my soul sister, magically read through the signs and rescued me from wallowing. She took me to the source of nature’s healing power – to see a sunrise, on a beach (bonus points!) 😘

And a week after the first conversation, I spoke again. I took a deep breath and shared my pre-prepared thinking, sprinkled with emotion (not smothered), and the goodness continued.

For change to happen there needs to be some discomfort. I had discomfort, and I have changed. I’m happier and I’m grateful for all the nice people who helped.

Stripes and trees xxx