I know I’m due for a stripe-inspired post but I just can’t seem to find any at the moment.

Stripes appeal to me because they give me a sense of calm, control, equality, elegance, predictability, a repeating pattern, simplicity and strength.

Oh how I wish life was stripy, like one of the gorgeous black and white gift boxes in department stores. But alas no, life is a like a paper bag with no handles – you have to work out your way of carrying it.

The wise ones tell us that…

• life throws you curveballs
• life is not a straight line
• life is full of ups and downs

Regardless of the messy tracks of life in the dust, the stripes should still be there in the sidelines, looking on with wonder, curiosity also perhaps some envy. So where are the stripes that keep me feeling grounded? Why can’t I see any straight ones?

Over the last week I’ve had several people say to me ‘it’s the end of the year’ and ‘you’ve had a big year’. Is this the reason? Is it that simple?

When I was a child in the UK, the new year fell in the middle of the cold, wet, dark winter, it was during a short break from school mid-term, and as Brits do so well we celebrated and then just carried on (after a few too many drinks in a cosy warm pub mind – a good combination). But the end of the year just didn’t feel as intense.

To be honest, it perplexes me that the end of the year becomes such a real and accepted explanation (excuse?!?) for so many, because Jan 1 from Dec 31 is really no different to Sep 1 from Aug 31, or April 12 from April 13 (unless you are hugely spiritual or religious).

From my childhood perspective, a southern hemisphere December is more like a UK August when the school year finishes; a UK December more like an Australian June, mid winter. Opposite sides of the Earth for real! Topsy turvy.

So for me, there is no obvious end to the year, the timing is quite arbitrary and perhaps based on another factor (not sure what though). However I do know that one day simply follows another. Other wise people agree, ‘life is a circle’ they say.

I wonder if this common end of year malaise is just pressure that the majority of people put on themselves and each other and then it just grows and grow and grows. Have people actually really thought about it and if it’s real, or if they are subconsciously following the rest of the herd? I’m sure there are social and science experiments about it, but I do wonder if it is easier to accept than to question.

My stripes might be a bit bruised at the moment, but I do not believe it is due to the date. I believe that there is no reason actually, it’s just the way life is on this day. A curve(ball) perhaps, 😉

My inner vision board is stripes and trees. They will manifest again.

Love (wonky) Stripes and Trees xxx

After starting my career in market research with an encouraging, innovative and high achieving team (based in an old ammunitions warehouse in Islington, London), almost 6yrs later I bought a one-way ticket to Sydney. Then after almost 3yrs working in an equally high achieving agency I burnt out.

What followed then was pretty much ‘stints’ at various agencies and client side roles that suited my desires at the time:

⁃ be a specialist

⁃ reconnect with media tracking

⁃ learn to teach

⁃ start a family

⁃ support my husband’s company

⁃ start contract-work, which I was always unsure of doing

⁃ reconnect with an old colleague and challenge my skills in a new industry, finance

⁃ continue family growth

⁃ work in magazines (my dream since forever!)

⁃ reconnect (again) with an old colleague and learn about health insurance

⁃ reconnect with an old boss at Australia’s biggest bank (I still cannot believe I got a job there)

⁃ and then finally move cities and move back into health insurance

Now that’s quite a journey hey! It’s not at all what I expected to be doing, but I don’t regret it, it’s been amazing. It’s strange though because I always said in interviews that ‘I wanted to belong’. Hmm, why didn’t I stick around very long then?

Dopamine!!!

I never knew it but I was chasing dopamine. ADHD brains seek significantly more dopamine than neurotypical brains. Simple.

I could post-rationalise every single job move that I made and I thought I was being smart. Well I was smart in a way, I was listening to my true self – I was always authentic, always passionate, always honest, always had high standards and tried my best.

Also, I managed to successfully network around Australia which is no mean feat for someone with social anxiety. I hate small talk, I hate events, I hate walking into a room full of people, but somehow I managed to unintentionally make some great acquaintances, and many great friends, by simply moving from job to job.

My husband has been more than patient as I have repeatedly embarked on new roles every couple of years. For me there was no choice to be patient, I was just driven. I didn’t know I had ADHD back then but I was ‘driven like a motor’ to chase opportunities. However, I didn’t realise that the changes were disruptive to family life – the late nights updating my cv, the lead up (and post- analysis) of interviews, the new office location resulting in changes to the family’s ‘out of the door’ routine…the impact on renovation plans with lack of company/salary continuation. I didn’t think of any of this.

I was just driven to learn, to grow, to make mistakes, to ask questions, to be in new places, to be exposed to new thinking, pick up new systems, adopt new ways of working…. Dopamine!!!

So, here I am 2yrs in at nib. I will be honest and say that I have reached out to people about internal roles that match my passions so well, I have reached out to acquaintances about external flexible roles that meet the needs of my family, I have looked to see what else is out there to satisfy my curiosity…but I have not updated my cv. This is a major change for me, this is breaking a 14yr habit.

I am choosing to stay put. I am choosing nib, choosing my teamies, my boss, my routine, the office, the systems, the learnings, the growth, the mistakes. I have realised that I don’t need to find these things elsewhere anymore, they are all here.

In fact they always were there in every role, I just didn’t know it. But now I have the knowledge about myself, the explanation of my ‘stints’, plus I have an employer that truly lets me be me and asks if I’m ok. Just yesterday I was asked: “Do you want to keep your nine day fortnight or change it somehow?” – that means so much, to be asked not told. It isn’t a set and forget arrangement, it’s a regular check in. It signifies an understanding that situations and needs change. And sometimes they don’t. Happy 2yrs+ to me!

#dopamine #adhd #womenwithadhd #career #knowledgeispower

One day, when the timing was right, supporting structures formed and new growth burst out. I am a tree.

Just as my children have grown several centimetres in the last few months, I have grown too in my mind and in my heart.

I thought as a mum of a soon-to-be teenager that I was past significant growth and was at a stage of fine-tuning and practising my core beliefs, but recently I have surprised myself with what I have learnt.

1. reframing my fears

We got a dog, Biscuit. A dog I say. This is big news because I’ve walked around my WHOLE life saying ‘I’m a cat person’. Despite a few childhood memories of being scared by big woofy dogs, I do like some dogs so I could say I was a ‘certain dog person’, but never having had a dog I didn’t really understand them and I think subconsciously it was easier to say ‘I’m a cat person’ rather than ‘I’m a gentle, small or big, furry animal that sits on me, and one that I’m not jumpy around person’.

Biscuit is a therapy dog so his nature and nurture makes him inherently gentle – he curls up on my lap or by my feet, just like I have experienced with cats – he just doesn’t purr. I actually call him a cog (cat-dog in case you don’t get it). ‘I’m a cog person’ might be harder to explain though 😉

I hid behind a wall of cats for years, it was easier to protect and defend than risk trying something new. Having ‘are you scared of big dogs?’ in anxiety questionnaires was also perhaps self-fulfilling. Reframing the fear away from dogs showed me the power of the mind and how we can change our thinking and open doors to wonderful situations. Biscuit is wonderful.

2. acceptance that I have ADHD

Yes I am aware that I have adhd, yes I talk about it, yes I read all about it (all the *^*^ing time), but I didn’t truly and fully accept it until last month.

Acceptance of having adhd is complex (of course it is, adhd is!), but it’s not just about accepting the label or the explanation for weird life behaviours, the acceptance I’m talking about is holistic, practical and not what I ever envisioned for myself.

ADHD is a condition (disability in some countries) and although it is in me, it is so much more than me, it is something that I cannot control on my own, I need the help of others. Who wants to admit that they need the help of others in order to be themselves? Not me. Well not me in the past. But with acceptance I am ok to admit it. I have to admit it. I need people.

My acceptance came from talking with my psychologist and has led me to realise I need to allow other supports (medication, psychology, family, work) to fulfil their specific roles so that I can burst! I think when I got the diagnosis, followed by the meds and the psychologist, that I took my foot off the pedal and expected things to just get better for me. Perhaps I just needed a break from putting in ALL the effort myself via coping and masking strategies, and so once these supports came along I relied on these things only.

I know that I still have to put the work in to get organised and reduce overwhelm – pills and 50 min chats don’t magically make a pretty bullet journal. With acceptance of needing a wider network, I acknowledge that I am my own expert, my own advocate, I know what works and what doesn’t. I thought my old self was wrong, inefficient, too weird, but I realise that I don’t have to let go of pre-diagnosis me, I should continue to employ the strategies I’ve had my whole life, just in conjunction with the professionals.

I know the combination will enable me to be more efficient, but I also know I will never ever EVER be ‘normal’ or neurotypical, never. I will never fit in, or be able to do what others can do with ease, or be able to do some things at all. Last year I grieved my unmet potential, but now I’m happy with what I have done and what I can still do. Acceptance means that my goal is now realistic. I aim to be me.

3. I had growth (and more importantly others had growth) when I started to back off.

This came from realising that I am only one person for my children, that I am not their everything,

Just as I need multiple supports so do they. They have to work this life thing out for themselves. They have to make their own mistakes (or learnings as we call them).

I have been guilty of being a classic helicopter parent, because for some reason I didn’t want my kids to be like me, and if I could stop the milk being spilt I would – so I swooped in. But my desire to help them was potentially doing the opposite, it was suppressing their growth. Not anymore!

Lucky they are still young enough to adapt to their way of doing things but if I can adapt and grow at 46yrs old then they will be more than fine.

So, there you go, my mind is bigger and stronger than a few months ago; my heart too, for Biscuit and for my children’s futures. And it all happened because it just happened. It was timing. It was meant to be (I just needed some supports to help me realise it).

Green shoots forever!

Love Stripes and Trees xxx