Same old same old.

“It’s a beautiful day; how about the park?; do you want go anywhere else?; or hat about making xyz?; how about we blah blah blah?”

I am such a broken record. I bore myself. Nothing changes. This broken record spins and spins but the scratches get deeper. It’s not a great tune.

I was stuck in a rut. Hubby said ‘do what you want to do’ about something else today, but I took it as being valid for the whole day, and so I took myself for an unexpected Sunday stripe session. I just made that up btw 🙂

So, I made a new playlist and called it ‘calm jog’. Upon reflection I notice how this was unusual – I typically label playlists for how I am feeling in the moment (angry; grrr; melancholic pop are a few I have) but this one was labelled for how I wanted to feel.

I am a huge fan of compilations / mix tapes, but today’s collection was a decent mishmash of uncomplicated tunes from different genres, decades – and it worked – I didn’t skip any songs as I ran, which is pretty unusual too.

Off I went, on roads and tracks I hadn’t run before. I didn’t know the exact path to take, I just knew the rough direction. Only once did I look at maps, when I was suddenly all alone at the back of Throsby Creek. My gut instinct was right though. Trust your gut people. It’s linked to your heart and brain. It knows.

What my brain and legs didn’t know was how long left, was there an incline ahead, when can I stop? I did feel like stopping a few times, but I had a word with myself and said ‘no, you wanted this, you wanted a change, keep going, back yourself, you can do it’. And I did!

When I came out the other side of Throsby Creek (it really isn’t as scared as it sounds), I saw stripes everywhere. I haven’t seen so many for donkeys. Truly.

As my legs got too weary, I saw the exact message that I needed (see below). I find it so hard to relax, but maybe I don’t have to ‘stop’, I don’t have to ‘sit still’. I just need to slow this record down to 33rpm. I can still be me and move, I can just move slower.

Some stripes are broken lines. Each section achievable, one section/stripe/step after the next. I chose broken lines over broken records.

Whatever you feel you feel, but if you want to change it trust your gut, back yourself and look for those stripes. They help.

Love Stripes and Trees xxx

The order was 6 chicken nugget, no sauce, a yoghurt and a book.

We got 7 nuggets, sweet and sour sauce, no yoghurt and a plastic toy.

It might sound ridiculous but with a highly sensitive overthinking overanalysing brain, I recall many feelings that happened during the unboxing:

⁃ Frustration – how did they get that wrong? Isn’t that their job?

– Disappointment – it’s not what we paid for, but I just can’t be bothered complaining.

⁃ Guilt – another useless plastic toy for landfill 😦

⁃ Mum failure – the yoghurt was the only healthy part of that order.

⁃ Post-rationalisation – but it did save me time, the toy is cute, and yay for the extra nugget!

⁃ Happiness? No. I didn’t feel it.

This meal was not how I envisioned a ‘happy’ meal. These feelings sat swirling around in my mind for a few weeks and I didn’t know why, until I realised that this moment was trying to teach me something important – acceptance. Dealing with the feelings of wanting something specific but getting something else.

I used to want to have four children, a big wooden table where everyone would gather and eat hearty food, freshly baked bread, roast chicken, homemade lemonade…kids laughing, drawing, the sun streaming through the large french doors, a cat asleep on a natural stone tile heated by the afternoon sun. Erm, yep, pretty specific.

I never wanted to have a child with Adhd, anxiety and ASD. Well, I actually never thought about it to be honest. I never asked to have adhd and anxiety myself. In fact, I never knew I had them for over 40yrs of my life! My executive functioning is a bit flaky to say the least – I still burn toast, regularly, so it is no wonder that I don’t have four kids or a bread baking side hustle.

I often think about how life would be so much easier without these conditions though – more family outings, more friends, more rungs on the career ladder, more happiness. But would it? Wouldn’t there just be other challenges??? A different health condition…financial struggles…relationship struggles…unknown struggles. At least with these conditions there are some knowns, that being expect nothing but randomness!

Comparing this life to another life isn’t helpful, in fact it is a form of self-minimising (also unhelpful). So that will stop, but it is ok to say that something is hard for you, it is ok to say you wish things were different, it is ok to feel feelings. We are human beings after all.

So here I go:

⁃ Adhd is hard to live with whether you have it yourself or someone else close by has it. It is random and illogical and rather annoying.

⁃ When adhd spans the generations (as it does in most cases because it is highly genetic) you get double trouble! Double rejection sensitivity. Double impulsivity. Double disorganisation. Double sensory issues. Double headaches for the non-adhd partners/parents.

⁃ Adhd is not considered a disability in Australia but let me tell you, it really does cause multiple daily struggles – for the person with it, and those in the immediate circle. Multiple means multiple moments per hour, every hour, every day.

⁃ To this point, Adhd is constant, relentless, and often one step ahead of any new coping strategy. It learns fast and adapts. Exhausting.

⁃ Throw in the common co-morbidities to the mix and things get more spicy. With ASD now added, the label of disability is granted – the acknowledgment of the need for more formalised support and funding. This is bittersweet – I want this help for my family but I don’t want my family to need this help.

I will however be gracious and grateful for any help we can get. And I am grateful for having a husband, two children, lovely family far and close, friends who get me…freedom, choices, money, otherwise good health.

Dr Robin Barkley is a fine fella from all I have read and heard from him. He is pretty blunt (which I love) and he very VERY clearly states we need to accept what we have and let our expectations go. Suck it up basically!

Suck. It. Up. This is life.

So this is what we got.

◦ We got access to extra supports when ASD joined the party, i.e. extra nuggets.

◦ We got dealt with some medical conditions that we certainly didn’t choose, that we initially thought were worse than alternatives, however adjusting to these conditions has given us so much understanding about people, about behaviours, we have had immense personal growth, some really hilarious moments (that we so need) and made plenty of magic memories. This is akin to getting the toy we didn’t want but that we made up our own games with, one that we now keep in the toy box and will possibly pul it put in twenty years time and show the grandkids whilst relaying stories about the day that…

◦ We got given extra tantrums and meltdowns, extra parenting demands, extra parenting disagreements, extra sibling fights, but extra opportunities to connect as a family and work through things together i.e. the sweet and sour sauce we never asked for but that surprised us by marrying rather nicely with a cheese toasty.

◦ We didn’t get the yoghurt though…hmm, just got to accept this one I guess. I really wanted the kids to have the yoghurt. I’ll get over it. You win some you lose some.

I’ve probably lost you by now…but if you are still here, let’s revisit the list of feelings at the start of this waffle. I feel all the same feelings with regards to having adhd and ASD in our lives. I feel frustrated, disappointed, guilt, mum failure. And that is ok. It really is. This is acceptance. I’m not fighting it, I’m letting it in, and dealing. get, Dr Barkley, I made it, I get it now! IDr Barkley would be proud I hope.

So where to from here then? Well, I’m still learning. Learning to split the condition from the person, learning to not blame or shame, learning to be kinder to myself, learning to validate other people’s reactions (this is not just my life, we are all in this together). Don’t get me wrong, I still shout and swear too much and probably annoy people (along with myself), but instead of beating myself up about that I just go ‘that’s ok, it’s not always the ideal way to react but it is what it is, I am a human, I’m still learning’.

Happy Meals are not always the happy meals we hoped for but they are ok. No judgment please.

Life is not always the way we thought it would be but that is ok. We experience it with the people we are given, we nurture each other, and we feel a rainbow of emotions.

I think that happiness is yellow but a rainbow cannot exist without the other colours, the other feelings, nor the sun and rain. Rainbows are magic. Life is magic. I’m grateful for my lot.

Hope you enjoy the sun shower video and rainbow.

Love Stripes & Trees xxx

This morning, following an expected dose of tears and tantrums; defiance, disagreements and demands; I took to nature to calm myself and reflect.

Honing into my senses I felt present;

• the smell of cut grass
• the feeling of a nibbling ant
• hearing water lapping on rocks
• tasting salty air
• and spying secretive harbour creatures

I often ask my son to do this technique when he is angry, so I thought I better practice what I preach!

On the way back to collect my children, after they took part in a session painting skateboards (which I what caused the meltdown), I had a newly refreshed energy and outlook, and then I saw this tree trunk. It spoke to me. I instantly read its message.

My family is made up of parts. We are our own beings. My children are not always my children, they are just children, their own beings. But hopefully we have some common and complimentary values and behaviours.

I may think something is good for them, but perhaps it is not.

They may think something is good for them, but perhaps it is not.

What do we do? As I parent do I trump them? I don’t think so, I’d like to think we can come to some arrangement, but, when your child has ADHD and their executive function is one third delayed, I do believe it is my responsibility to guide them, and to suffer the tears and tantrums in the short term, for the long term benefit.

I might be wrong. They might be right.

I might be right. They might be wrong.

This time.

And then next time we will try again. And I might be wrong…or I might be right….

And we will keep on going, again and again and again. Because sometimes, most of the time, they are my children. ❤️

One day I hope that we merge more often and more easily, but for now, as we are all still growing (even the adults), I’m happy to sit next to my family and just be there – whether they are feeling yellow, dark grey, light grey, pink, are circular, long, wonky, flaky…

Our parts may differ at times, but we are the same tree.

Love Stripes and Trees xxx

Ps and thanks to the other parts of my family tree for also being close by…lilac and caramel xx