I left it to the very last day of this month to continue my goal of a monthly ocean dip. ‘Typical’ some might say. I am not often a complete-finisher type and my emphatic declarations often fade away into a forgotten silence. But the warm days of May whizzed past as the nights became cooler and the chance of achievement became slimmer. However, there’s nothing like a bit of time pressure for an ADHD-er! It had to be today.

These stripes on my swimmers start out strong, in line, equally spaced, and with linear determination. But when they meet hurdles (lumps and bumps) or zips, they lose their perfection. That’s ok, they are still motivated stripes.

Before I started my monthly dip goal last June, I had been reading about cold water therapy for years. There is definitely ‘a way to do it’, with cold exposure tips, breath work and very specific information about the timing of when it feels hardest/painful. I thought that these tips would help, however even though I usually believe that knowledge is power, sometimes the power can crush the motivation if these smaller warm-up goals cannot be achieved. For example, I cannot stand for 30secs under a cold shower, which is often the prescribed ‘exposure training’. If I had waited to achieve this first, I would still be in training and would never have achieved 11 months of dips. I know I’m not ice-bathing (yet), but an outside swim on the eve of winter is still not easy.

I’m not discrediting the experts, but sometimes I think we just have to listen to ourselves. For me, the start of something is always the biggest hurdle – well sometimes I leap right over, other times I tread carefully, or back away. Being motivated to do something that is not actually necessary or is a bit unpleasant is really really hard. Overthinking is my middle name and having too much information can quickly squash my motivation.

Last week my boy demonstrated his immense drive when he is motivated (and it was not even gaming related, therefore not a necessity 😉 ). Being unsure for a long time about catching the bus home from school, and a mere day after declaring he wouldn’t do so until next year, he suddenly had a burst of motivation to catch the bus. It just so happened to be on one of the wettest days of the year, hmm, not ideal, not ideal at all. The news about severe weather was everywhere, but this information had no place in his mind. He heard the grown ups’ concerns about about the potential soggy clothes, the potential late bus, the inevitable wet shoes, but his motivation was so strong that he didn’t even consider these uncomfortable outcomes. Hubby and I knew we had to keep him riding that wave of self-determination. The conditions were not perfect but he did it anyway.

Over the months I have gone from an impulsive fear fuelled dive bomb, that got me into water at a temp of 16degrees very fast, to a slow and steady thoughtful walk into 19degrees with full body awareness and some breathing. Not box breathing, triangle breathing, or 4-7-8 breathing as recommended…just breathing. I knew that I just had to get in there, today.

The conditions today were not perfect:

• It was breezy at the baths
• I have a sore knee
• I I didn’t want to get my hair wet today
• It’s winter-eve

Declaring to hubby as I left the warm house ‘it’s too easy for me to say things but not follow through. I need to do this’. And so I did. Again. This declaration did not fade. It was a wave of motivation that I didn’t want to fall off and my lovely family held me up! Hubby didn’t question me (or doubt me), my kids came along and encouraged me (in their jumpers and hats), and in I went in the water in May.

Love Stripes and Trees xxx

Sometimes I laugh at these moments. But not today.

I went to make a green smoothie to take outside and relax under our huge tree. The kids had had a treat, hubby was away, and I wanted some me time. 

However, when I went to the ninja in the pantry there was already a green smoothie sitting there. I have no idea when I put it there but I know that it’ll be at some point in the last 48hrs (since hubby went away).

I took a photo to send to a friend and say ‘classic adhd moment’ but I never got round to that message…because green-gate escalated. 

The lid was stuck. It looked like it was off the treads a little – that was most likely my adhd self rushing to the put the lid on.

After much struggling, eventually the lid came free, and with huge force. The force of fermentation! 

To make matters worse it exploded over the kitchen sink, the tap, the drainer, the items I had previously washed, the shelves I had wiped a few hours earlier, the bananas, the toaster, the wall, even reaching inside the pantry where it had first started to brew. 

Far out! I actually had to clean the tap before I could use it to clean up everything.  

Hubby would hate the mess I made, in fact I will change that to ‘hubby will hate’ because he will most likely read this. For years I used to make these life-mistakes and do my best to cover them up, or if I wasn’t quick enough or the outcome was obvious then I would end up being defensive and make excuses about my part in it.  

But not now. I’m tired. So tired. On a daily basis I am mopping up my adhd mistakes. I feel so ashamed. I really do. And then I feel embarrassed for feeling ashamed about stupid moments. 

Adhd is not an excuse, but it is an explanation. Green-gate happened for multiple reasons associated with adhd executive dysfunction:

• Object permanence – as soon as the pantry door was closed the smoothie was out of sight and therefore out of mind. I forget about it because I couldn’t see it.
• Short term memory – I also just simply forgot about it.
• Poor interception – I don’t feel the physical hunger pangs so didn’t realise I was still hungry so didn’t look for the food.
• Distractibility – something else must’ve taken my attention away from the smoothie for 48hrs.
• Hyperfocus – I have been in the pantry 27 times since I first put this in there but I never noticed it because I was so focused on another object.
• Trouble sticking to a routine – if I could stick to a routine of daily smoothies then I would’ve found it sooner – hubby would’ve found it at 7.30am on Saturday morning no doubt. 

So no relaxing for me. Just cleaning. Initially cleaning to cover up my tracks, but then I decided ‘no more cover ups’ because it’s not sustainable, it’s too much work. I don’t want to feel shame so I am going to be honest. I want people to know the true me, so that I can be the true me, no more hiding, no more shame. I have adhd. I cannot help it. I am trying hard everyday to do simple things. It’s tiring. So tiring. Sometimes it is messy. 

October is also adhd awareness month so there is no better time to share. 

And finally, another example of adhd struggles and feeling shame. The other day I could not find my sunnies whilst I was driving. I looked in my bag, on the seat, in another bag, under the seat, in my pocket, in the console…they were nowhere to be seen. When I arrived home I picked up the sunglasses case that was next to my bag and there they were, safely and snuggly sitting inside the case. I purposely did not look in the case because I thought ‘there is no way they will be in the case, I never put things back where they live’. I doubt myself, I expect that my tracks are random and ‘not right’. Well, that one time I did the right thing, the typical thing, but I am not typical and therefore I more often than not do non-typical things.  I accept this, hence looking everywhere but the right place, however I need to accept that whatever I do is ok.

Green-gate surprised me. I didn’t laugh, I didn’t cry, I felt shame and then I let it go. I shared a stupid story about a smoothie and took photos of its splatter. I hope you got something out of this random post…with no stripes.

Love Stripes and Trees xxx

 

Since owning a dog I am more and more amazed at the variety of feelings and conscious thoughts that human beings can experience. I’m also amazed at how resilient animals are. Our pets are really pretty lucky, because actually they don’t need much more than safety, food, shelter and love, yet we flourish them with flavoursome treats, fancy houses and luxurious upholstery!

I guess we think they appreciate comfort like we do. But at the end of the day I don’t really think the animals care about all that fancy stuff. I mean how many times is a twig, a smelly sock or a pile of dust just as interesting to a dog as a squeaky velour toy with textured panels and infused with organic chicken scent…(kidding about the scent but I expect there is something like that on the market).

Here’s another example. Take these birds.

There are so many beautiful trees in the neighbourhood – established, healthy and strong enough to hold a flurry of a thousand birds, yet these fellas choose to sit on the electric wires above the stinky horse stables. I’m sure there is warmth and the gentle buzz is perhaps a nice feeling for them (there I go again, projecting our human comfort needs onto animals…) but I do worry for them and I think “why oh why, why aren’t you in a lush leafy green tree?”

It’s only my opinion of course, only my perspective as a human being, I don’t actually know what it is like to be a bird…but pre-wires I’m sure the birds were on branches, as many still are.

I think that the need for safety, food, shelter and love is the same for birds as for humans…and when there is a choice, surely the house is more desirable than the tent; the branch more desirable than the wire?

• Are they here because they have a good lookout whilst on guard duty?
• Are they here because of proximity to food?
• Are they here because to them it is actually comfortable?
• Are they here because they are copying the other birds…?

I don’t know their reason, but their behaviour does make me think. The wires seem to be providing the same purpose as a branch, but yet the wires are so far removed from nature. It makes me feel bad that we have removed some/many natural habitats.

I think that if I were a bird I would go to a tree. But then I think about the trees wishes. I think that if I were a tree I would stand tall and proud and listen to the whispers on the wind. I’d focus on my core strength (like I do in Reformer Pilates 🤣). Maybe I would welcome everyone over for a free perch and a natter, some morning tea, or maybe I would not. Maybe I would want to be left alone and have some peace and quiet.

Of course the trees don’t think, the birds don’t think. We humans are lucky to have that ability to think but sometimes I wish I didn’t think so much…I merely went out for 4km run and came back with all this waffle! Let me tell you, it’s more tiring on my mind than on my legs!!!

As I try and switch off over this holiday period, the thoughts of wires and branches continue to pop up.

Dismantling the Christmas tree quite obviously reminded me of my contradictions. Here I am with an unnatural Christmas tree. There are wires! I was brought up with natural trees and the judgement was often passed that ‘it’s not right to have a fake tree’ – but now I make the decisions and I’m not sure about cutting down trees for such a short time. However, I will pass no judgement. Neither way is right, they are just what they are. The purpose of the tree has perhaps changed for many anyway, from its origins as representing Christ. These days my tree is about connection, reflection, tradition…and that can be achieved with branches of wood or metal and wires.

Our stunning old gent of a liquid amber in the yard, looking on at our fake tree inside, made me feel mixed emotions…

• Guilt at having a fake tree (gosh those opinions from childhood are pretty sticky…I think the old man would grumble)
• Proud because I am leaving nature alone and the old gent would be happy.

So next time I see those birds hanging out on the wires, and I will, I will just smile at them and leave them alone. I won’t pity them, question them, judge them, I won’t worry for them…I will just smile and jog on. Let them be, let them achieve their purpose their way. And I will only have tried legs…until I find something else to think about!

Love Stripes and Trees xxx