I heard this phrase/joke/taunt so many times in the school playground…

What’s your name? No it’s not, it doesn’t say that on your label.

Folding the laundry can be confusing at times – is this school top a size 6 or a size 10? There are often no labels. They have been snipped.

Everyone probably gets annoyed by a label in clothing at some point, but for those of us who are highly sensitive / sensory, a label is so much more than annoying…the sensation can actually be really uncomfortable, unbearable, all consuming. Snipping is the only option.

I have never been a fan of labels for people either. We are who we are, individual people with so many different qualities and we change over time. However in the last 6 months I have come to accept the power of labels.

Being diagnosed with ADHD last year was not a label I ever wanted but I have to wear it, I can’t just snip this one off.

The reason I don’t want it is because having ADHD is hard work. Hard work everyday, several times a day, in-fact it is constantly hard work. It’s hard in the sense of trying to keep up with other people (and society’s expectations), trying to be normal (suppressing reactions…trying not to overshare…), trying to not be hard on yourself when you make the same stupid mistake time and time again. Trying trying trying and then being hard on yourself – then repeat.

However this unwanted label is actually proving to be surprisingly welcomed by me at the moment, since it is providing answers and much needed guidance. The same can be said for the washing and ironing instructions on a clothing label – so don’t be too quick to snip!

People have told me for years “don’t worry about what other people think”. But when you are trying (even subconsciously) to fit in to society’s ways of doing things, faking it (and not quite making it) and not understanding why you can’t do something so simple…you do worry. I worried because I didn’t understand (and that’s another thing, ADHDers really like to know everything about how something works, whatever it is!)

My label helps me to understand my ‘quirks’, it gives me permission to accept that my feelings and behaviours are ‘normal’ for a neurodivergent person. It means that I can be certain that I don’t have to be like everyone else, and I have an explanation of why I don’t quite fit. I now understand and there is a sense of huge relief, but for many years I didn’t understand…

⁃ At school I didn’t understand why I was so scared to put my hand up. I wasn’t shy, I was scared of getting the answer wrong (even though most times I was actually right) – erm hello rejection sensitivity disphoria!

⁃ I didn’t understand why other people could play team sports, multiple disciplines, but I preferred individual sports or doubles. I was scared of making mistakes and letting the team down – erm hello perfectionism!

⁃ I didn’t understand why I got amazing grades in every subject but still the teachers would say I had potential if only I spoke up more. I got 9xA grades…how much higher could I go? Did I really need to be vocal to be successful? I simply processed information differently.

⁃ I didn’t understand why I loved maths and science so much when my family were known as being arty. It was probably due to patterns and fact based answers, which are less open to criticism than opinion.

⁃ I didn’t understand why people would often share their troubles with me, they really opened up, and would say how much of a good listener I was. Neurodivergent people tend to have huge empathy.

⁃ And as I got older I didn’t understand why I couldn’t create neat and orderly analysis in Excel spreadsheets like my desk buddies did. This is due to crappy executive function skills…it’s hard to organise things, even cells in Excel!

⁃ I didn’t understand why people would often think my ‘out of the box’ ideas were really good, whereas to me they were so obvious. ADHD folk are often creative, innovative, deeper thinkers because they process the world differently – erm hello Elon Musk!

⁃ I didn’t understand why people often said I was authentic, almost in admiration. To me there is no other way, I am driven by my heart.

⁃ I didn’t understand until recently why I would change the pizza topping I ordered each week, or make my own combinations, whereas my hubby would always get the same. I was seeking dopamine from novelty and excitement – yes, switching pizza toppings can do that for me 😂

So the label I didn’t want was actually the label that I needed a long time ago. I am happy and have done well in life, but if I had been given this label earlier I could have understood myself, understood which environments I flourish in, understood other people, and I would have absorbed less self criticism and self doubt.

I now understand that I need to be kinder to myself. And that I am doing.

Label or no label, be kind to yourself. You only have one you.

Love Stripes & Trees xxx

I am not a boy. I am not 7yrs old. I don’t drink sugary red juice. I don’t bounce off walls. I do have adhd though. Can you tell that from my silhouette?

I was only diagnosed 3 month ago, just 2 days before my 45th birthday. I had actually suspected it for the last 12 months though, following my 7yr old boy’s diagnosis. He doesn’t drink sugary red juice or bounce off walls either. Why this stereotype? Grrr.

‘Women with adhd’ is a becoming a bit of a ‘trend’ at the moment. That’s not really fair to say actually, it’s actually getting some attention (ha ha, good pun) which is great given that the whole reason why girls haven’t been diagnosed before is because they are inattentive – not making a big fuss about things, just trying to fit in, struggling inside and finding coping mechanisms, masking. I thought I was really organised, turns out I had to be to keep up! I have masked my whole life without even knowing it, by insanely over planning, over researching, over preparing, over analysing what I had done so that I could ‘do better next time’.

Adhd is not a trend, it’s also not over diagnosed and the sentiment of ‘we are all a little bit adhd’ is not true. Adhd is confusing and exhausting and annoying, both to the person with it, and to those that live with them. Everyday I am clumsy, forgetful, blunt, random, overwhelmed, overly sensitive about many many things (thank goodness for my solid rock husband).

Having the diagnosis has given me permission to really reflect on myself and past behaviours, relationships and choices. I thought most people felt the same way as me about things….things such as feeling overwhelmed in a busy cafe, unable to prioritise tasks, unable to organise without endless notebooks and pens and post it notes on post it notes in various colours and sizes (I do love stationery!), eyes hurting under florescent lights, being jumpy at any surprise noise or my husband merely entering a room :-), hating the sound of people eating, dealing with general life admin (surely everyone hates this one though!), stressing out about buying birthday and Christmas presents (soooooo much pressure!).

I just thought I was perhaps a bit more sensitive and introverted. And I am. But now knowing I have adhd as well explains sooooo much. Tbh, I feel a bit embarrassed about how I may have come across to people in the past. Sorry sorry sorry if you ever thought I was rude or weird towards you.

I’m not going to wallow in this, it is what it is, but in a nutshell, for so much of my life I have actually felt like I just don’t fit in despite trying my damned hardest to do so. I know I’m basically a square peg and I’m really ok with that. But I’m not ok with other people’s comments. I have a catalogue of comments spanning decades…”you are…” quirky, funny, a bit weird, different, frank, blunt, harsh, an over thinker, worry too much, stand-off ish, shy, overly sensitive, too emotional, unemotional, frazzled, too fast, too slow, detached, ‘not on the bus’…

Anyway, here I am after all these decades, still the same person, just a person armed with knowledge, and knowledge is power. (Talking of power, Adhd is not a superpower. I hate that concept. As I said it’s confusing and exhausting and annoying.)

Advocating for my little boy is far easier than advocating for myself. Children need someone to translate and help to elevate their voice, but for me I feel that I’ve come so far without knowing about my ADHD so what’s the point of declaring it? Well, the purpose of this blog has always been for me to try and clear my head, to get my thoughts unravelled, and provide food for thought to any readers. In writing this I questioned myself many times – ‘Should I write this down? Should I actually post it? Everyone has ‘something’ going on’. But one good thing about the diagnosis is a better understanding of rejection sensitivity disphoria, and these days with that knowledge, I am actually less bothered by what people think of me and I’m more bothered about how to do things more effectively. Don’t get me wrong, I still overthink my actions, I replay my actions/thoughts/comments over and over and over in my head. I cannot stop thinking. I just cannot. I think about thinking, and I think about thinking about thinking, and I think about how others don’t think about thinking about thinking. It’s soooooo boring. I’d much rather be doing something else.

Over the years in my many jobs, many many jobs (errr, hello adhd sign!), several bosses have complimented me on my integrity and authenticity. I remember saying back to one person, ‘well how can I not be?’ And does that mean that other people aren’t being authentic?’ I can’t be anything but me, I can’t lie. (However, talking about lying, I believe that I have lied to every single person in my life at some point. Little white lies as a way of coping (usually getting out of something social). Sorry! I had no idea what was going on but I guess I was just trying to cope.)

Anyway, blah blah blah. I don’t really know where I’m going with all this…and I’m a bit bored of writing it now…I can’t link it together in a good flow…I just want to send it out there and move on. So I will.

What I do know though is that I love stripes and trees though. Stripes for their linear loveliness, certainty, consistency, comfort. Something my mind does not naturally possess. And trees for strength, wisdom and continued growth, and hugs.

So that’s that. My silhouette secret. What’s yours? Sharing and talking helps. I’m here.

Love Stripes & Trees xxx

Look up and you will surely see,

Always there, everywhere.

Different greens, different shapes,

Always patterns, everywhere.

Watch them swaying in the wind,

Always moving, everywhere.

Stop and feel the gentle love,

Always trees, everywhere.

My oldest sister and I talked on the phone last week and together shared that we were feeling ‘lost in the tree‘. We were talking about the family tree and its many layers and branches. We had discovered a new relative and couldn’t work out how to get back to ourselves. The tree is big and strong and surprising and fascinating – I love looking at it, just as I love looking at real trees. Working out the connections and stories, noticing patterns. It is so grounding.

I am here. Under the tree. Always under a tree.

Love Stripes & Trees xxx