Be like a Jacaranda

Spring has sprung in Sydney. It’s perfect. The gentle warmth of the soft spring sun, a fresh light whispering breeze, the sky a beautiful baby blue – collectively promising a balanced and fresh new start, opportunities to be taken.

Our very own Jacaranda in our backyard – lucky!

The idea of a long jog yesterday filled me with excitement! The conditions were spot on. My body was strong again after a winter cough and two strength sessions in the gym during the week. Ready to go! My head however still had something to worry about – whether or not to wear shorts. Say what?!?

Seems sensible – temps are creeping, running makes you hot, shorts would be ideal – but no, my overthinking brain does somersaults with a double-tuck-twisted-flip-360-style trick.

I know that this is not a rational decision about comfort in the heat, it’s a totally irrational moment, but it exists and hopefully writing it out will get it out!!! Go nonsense thoughts. Be gone.

Being from the north of England, my usual default clothing is length and layers. I really wasn’t sure if I was ready for shorts today and I could feel the ping pong of thoughts getting faster – negative / defend / negative / defend…blah blah blah.

I’m ashamed to even say all of this out loud / on screen. It sounds so superficial. It’s against everything that I think I am, that I want to be. But seriously the questions in my head were:

-What will people think?

-What will they think of ME?

-My legs are so pale, my legs are so wobbly, my legs are lumpy and bumpy…what will people think of that?

-Will they think I shouldn’t wear shorts with legs like those?

-Will they think I should do more exercise, use fake tan?

-Will they think I’m older than I am?

Effectively I’m wondering if they will be confirming my inner thoughts – ‘oh my goodness, look at her with her white, wobbly, lumpy bumpy legs’.

As if!!! As if they would. I know this. I do know this. No one cares. But even if they did I would ignore them and think they were being mean. Who cares what people think? I don’t. I really don’t. But it seems that I do. There goes another 360-backward-pike. Grrrr.

I know that when I see people I mostly notice their individuality and also I truly admire their confidence. I’m not sure what’s at the very root of this insecurity though. The only reason I can think of is because various people at school/work/relationships have told me ‘you should have more confidence in yourself’ – I heard it when I was 12 years old and when I was 42 years old. Why do I keep hearing this? Is it a sign? Maybe I should just ignore them? But then maybe they are right…maybe I would be a-mazing if I took their advice…maybe, if, perhaps, when…arghhh!!! It’s annoying though, perhaps I’m actually ok in myself. Can’t I just be me?

Well, you know what I did yesterday? After several outfit changes I put my shorts on and I ran. The only way to change my legs is to get them moving and catch some sun rays (safely, with sunscreen). And on that jog I rarely thought about my legs. Or other people. Or their thoughts. I thought about Jacarandas and how they just do their thing. Every year, out it pops…the most luscious shade of purple. 💜. It takes over any vista. Bold. Do the Jacaranda’s care what all the other green leafed trees think? No. They just get on with it, unapologetically, they are just themselves. Individuals. Beautiful.

I need to channel the Jacs.

Love Stripes and Trees xxx