Going backwards is against everything I try hard to achieve – self development, knowledge, growth, discovery, experience… but I went back.
I went back to take this photo of the trees. To me it looks like one is trying to nuzzle into the other one, trying to get closer, be friends. But then they had a disagreement and it slowly turned away. The image stuck with me for months in my mind, so I went back and now it is captured, forever held, never lost.
This week a close friend sent me a flashback photo from the late nineties. It was a digital photo of a physical photo, making the moment seem more intense. We looked young, happy, arms around each other’s shoulders. Friendship captured, never lost. But like many others these days, our friendship is now almost wholly digital – we have seen each other only twice in 16yrs. Distance hasn’t changed much about our connection, I know that we’d still smile and laugh as hard if we met today, it’s just that I feel a bit lost, unsure which way to lean. If I was a tree I think I’d be quite twisted.
I’m so grateful for the life I have, for the people I share it with (physically or digitally), for the things I have achieved, for the dreams yet to be realised. But I must admit, I often have the sense that something is missing.
The photo that my friend sent was a perfectly timed reminder that the missing thing is me. A part of me. On the outside I have obviously changed, I have greys and more squishy parts, and on the inside I have emotionally evolved, as I should have in maturity and motherhood, but the core of me is me. And it’s not twisted, it’s just been a little quiet as I have been busy with other people for several years. The photo showed me what I am capable of, with good people around me, and I wanted to go back and find the missing part of me. My oomph.
So on the weekend I decided to run to the tunes that were always my running tunes. It wasn’t hard to make a playlist, these songs imprinted heavily in my muscle memory. Some tunes made me feel free and young, I felt strong and invincible; and others reminded me that I had once run a half marathon, even though I was struggling with a third of that distance today…and I remembered that the person in the photo was unable to jog longer than 10mins. This mishmash of memories made me realise how we really can choose what to do, that we can make things happen. It’s within us. Our own oomph.
The lyrics I heard as I hit my running goal for the day were:
“So now you finally know, That you control where you go, You can steer” – thanks Missy Higgins.
I now know. I am in control. I can steer.
I went back, and now I’m coming back. I’m not lost.
Love Stripes & Trees xxx
Stripes & Trees 
Sister, your writing is very thought provoking and a pleasure to read.
I too have been feeling lost. I feel like the lost parts of me have been pushed to the back of a full, disorganised drawer and to get to that creativity, grace, intelligence I have to tirelessly push, move everything else out of the way. The determination to retrieve the ‘lost’ is why I keep opening that drawer.
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Sister, your response is wonderful! I love the analogy. I completely understand, it is certainly tiring – the questions, the fight, the reordered priorities and demands – but remember we are made of strong stuff. Keep that drawer well and truly wedged open!
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